It’s Monday afternoon, and I could bring up this guy who hit and killed two homeless men by plowing his car into a DART bus stop, but then had the stones to tell the cops he didn’t do it, even though he was bloodied and his truck was wrecked.
But that is sad. And so far, knock on wood veneer, this Monday’s been decent. So in recognition of decent Monday, and because frequent and lovely commenter Daniel just said something about mustard on hamburgers, I posit this: There is really only one correct way to build a hamburger.
The correct order is: Toasted bottom bun. Ketchup and mustard. Pickles. Onion (if you must). Meat. Cheese. Bacon should go here, if you’re going to have it. Tomato. Lettuce. Top bun. Anything else renders things a soggy mess. I just wish more restaurants recognized this completely logical and not at all OCD order and just built the burger this way, so I don’t have to reconstruct it later.
So now, just go in the comments and tell me I’m totally wrong. Or agree with me. Whatever.
26 comments
Thank god for my Yankee parents. Mustard and pickles FTL.
I rather enjoy some 1000 Island on a burger. A Jake’s Special sounds great right about now in fact…
NO ketchup.
If a burger isn’t good enough with just meat and cheese, it isn’t a good burger.
Ketchup has no place on a burger south of Gary, Indiana. Ketchup is for the fries. Thinly sliced sweet onion is a must.
Mayo and mustard.
And American, cheddar or swiss cheese, until you’re at the now defunct Andrews’ and then you can have Bleu Cheese.
But never, ever ketchup. Git a rope.
And dill pickle chips, lettuce and a nice thinly sliced farm fresh tomato.
Have papper handy.
For crying out loud, no ketchup.
Pepper….Sorry. I typed “papper” because I feared some misguided soul was going to say “and add a slice of apple.” it could happen.
Ketchup? Disgusting. Also, I would like mine on a pretzel roll with a fried egg atop the patty. And a thin slice of pork belly, should there be any on hand.
Definitely no ketchup. I think Bethany’s a closet Yankee.
Ketchup is to burger as mayo is to fries. (Way yucko.)
Mustard. No ketchup. Grilled onions. Cheese of some sort, needless to say. The rest is negotiable; one must order in accordance with the strengths, and especially the weaknesses, of the joint in question (e.g., is their bacon thin and rubbery and gets between your teeth? Are their tomatoes pulpy as a chip of balsa wood?) and the vicissitudes in taste that attend the burger-eater.
I personally can’t stand lettuce on a sandwich of any stripe (it’s filler, a frank and tawdry affront), and I confess to liking mayo on a burger, albeit guiltily — it’s like beans in chili, or listening to Dire Straits.
Girl, this is TEXAS! Mustard all the way. Ketchup (or catsup if you are more refined) is for the fries. Crisp lettuce, juicy tomato, sharp pickle, and succulent onion on a fresh Mrs Baird’s bun complete the sandwich. Cheese optional. Eat friendly, the Texas Way!
Bottom up… Toasted bun bottom, frayed beef patty with a thin slice of English cheddar melted on it, grilled onions not soaking in grease, thin scrape of English mustard, toasted bun top.
Keep it simple stupid.
The secret to a non-soggy bun is a thin layer of mayo on both top and bottom bun. I know that is shocking to the mayo-haters out there, but it is a must for to enjoy a perfectly juicy burger.
Now I’m worried. Please tell me your corn dogs are ketchup-free.
Of course. Hot dogs, too. Corn dogs get mustard. Anything else is un-American. Hot dogs have plenty of acceptable toppings, but ketchup is not one of them. Chili, cheese, onions, relish, mustard, kraut. Not all together though – that’s disgusting.
No ketchup. Rarely lettuce and tomato. I’m an expert. Just ask me.
Bethany – what do you have with your scrambled eggs or grilled cheese? Please no ketchup…and I have a serious condiment problem…half of my fridge…but ketchup is not for burgers!
Eggs – cheese or nothing but salt and pepper. Grilled cheese – tomato soup.
All quite fattening. News is better for your heart. And mind.
Eggs require salsa. Stop.
Tomato soup directly on your grilled cheese, as in between the bread slices (novel notion of which I approve), or simply in a bowl, as a like dip?
Tomato soup as a dip. But if I ever figure out how to grill a tomato soup cheese sandwich, I will definitely post the recipe here, because frankly that would be too awesome not to share.
There is a great place in LA called FATBURGER that I hear is coming to Texas. It was a great go to place around 2am. I would always swear by the egg, chili, and double cheese/double meat. Never had a hangover. However I am sure it was a contributer to my quadruple bypass. It is a give and take world. My LA friends that come to Dallas think that Whataburger hung the burger moon.
I missed the election when you made Hamburger Sheriff. I love tomato soup, but it does not belong on a hamburger. Thanks for your opinions, even if they are so terribly wrong.
Sorry, but the only tomato that belongs on a burger comes thin-sliced and fresh from the garden, not from a bottle and combined with vinegar. If no fresh tomato is available, then omit. I’ll pass on the bacon but chili/onions or, separately, mushrooms ok.
You lost me at ketchup.
I like burgers different ways on different days; but Bizarro Big Tex is right, there’s only one true way to build a TEXAS burger.