Articles for June, 2010
49er Fans Try To Skewer Cowboys, Fail
So sometimes, when I’ve got a few minutes and there’s no vodka, I search for blogs that talk about Dallas. Today, I found this one called Niners Nation, which is apparently about the cute little San Francisco 49ers.
And I found this post, entitled, “At Least We’re Not … The Dallas Cowboys!” And apparently, I need to explain satire to these adorable little misshapen-headed Niners fans, because it ceases to be satirical if you essentially apologize and insist you’re just joshing both before and after your unimaginative attempt at skewering the Cowboys.
True satire needs no disclaimer.
For instance, I could point out that you’ve been a sad shell of your former self since Montana left, and that would be the truth. I could say that Cowboys fans find you adorable, because we really save most of our abject hatred for the Redskins. That, too, would be the truth.
When you bring up that we grossly overpaid for Roy Williams, we know this. And it’s fact. It’s hardly satirical to point out the obvious. And we thought we were getting this Roy Williams (See what I did there? Satire).
And yes, yes, we know that our quarterback’s last name rhymes with homo. And if he were one, we’d be OK with that. Ironically, you, San Francisco, bring this up, and make it sound like a derogatory thing.
So in conclusion, satire is funny. Come to Dallas, and we’ll teach you it.
Why Dallas Should Rewrite Its Parking Laws
Tom Vanderbilt over at Slate has a great piece on the stupidity of city parking codes, which I highly recommend to Dallas, Plano, and any other city trying to revitalize its downtowns. In Dallas, a city code written in the 1950’s continues to hamper development, encourage sprawl, and keep downtown Dallas blacktopped with ugly parking lots. My last artillery attack on the city’s restrictive and absurdist parking codes was in 2005. I quote myself:
For some reason, decades ago, somebody got it into his head that it was the city’s responsibility to make sure every Tom, Dick, and Harry had a place to park. To make sure there was enough parking, ordinances were enacted that required anybody who did anything to provide off-street parking. The requirements were written with a precision that would make a Soviet planner quiver with delight.
Do you want to build an office building? You must provide one off-street parking space for every 333 square feet. Do you run a catering service? You must have one off-street parking space for every 200 square feet. You’re a lithographer? You need one space for every 300 square feet. You have a call to build a church? You need “one space for each four fixed seats in the sanctuary.”
Vandervilt quotes a Purdue University study found 85,000 unused parking spaces in one county they studied. The antiquated city code is why you see empty spaces where you don’t want to go and no spaces where you do want to go. Why not turn the matter over to the private sector? If a business doesn’t have enough parking, it goes out of business. If it has too much parking, it has wasted precious capital. Why is the city bureaucracy allocating private dollars?
What To Do in Dallas This Weekend: June 25-27
Single ladies. Let’s chat. You know how you were planning to go to The Londoner tonight at talk about that guy you like but you’re not sure if he likes you because he called a few days ago but you haven’t heard from him but probably he likes you because he called? Skip it and go to Electric at the House of Blues. It’s the annual pre-party before the Heroes Baseball Game tomorrow (proceeds benefit the Heroes Foundation and Mike Modano Foundation), and this event brings in some actual (cute and nice) celebrities like this one. And this one. And this one. Also on the list: Mike Modano, Mark Cuban, DeMarcus Ware, Bradie James, and Kidd Kraddick. And the Fray is playing. But don’t just show up at the House of Blues expecting to get in. You must email lb@heroesbaseball.org for tickets.
Also exciting me: the breathtaking Planet Earth Live show at the Meyerson, the amazing combo of painting and music at the Euphoria Live show, and losing our voices watching the next USA World Cup match tomorrow at 1:30 pm at one of these spots.
Thrillist Gives Local Man Strange Honor
I have heard from several people this morning who want to know why Thrillist thinks I’m man’s best friend. I don’t have an answer for those people. But I do like to lick their hands. Did you eat a breakfast taco this morning? That tastes like eggs. Mmm! Oh, yesss. Scratch my belly. Yes, yes, yes-yes-yess. Hey! Was that a squirrel?!
Feeling “Recession-Proof” This Morning?
I ask because, according to CNN Money, you are living in the 7th (out of 21) most recession-proof city in America. Just thought you’d like to know
(As usual, the editors go ga-ga over Austin. Don’t even mention the #1 city, Albany, NY. Maybe they were embarrassed about all that borrowed money NY State is living on — and which is coming due. But props to Buffalo. Who wouda thunk?)
Leading Off (6/25/10)
1. Last night, the Rangers extended their winning streak to 11 by beating the Pirates 6-5. It’s the longest in the MLB this season, and the second-longest in club history. We should probably also mention that former Ranger and current color guy Tom Grieve will be inducted into the Rangers Hall of Fame next month. Me? I don’t give a … (I kid, I kid).
2. I really hope that the Dallas Mavericks did more than interview South Florida guard Dominique Jones, who the Mavs picked up for $3 million in the draft last night, before deciding he was their guy. Because this story kinda reads like he said, “Hey, I’m a cross between Dwayne Wade and Rodney Stuckey,” and the Mavs were all, “Hey, that sounds good, you’re hired!” If it really was as easy as that, well, I’m a cross between Wilt Chamberlain and Michael Jordan. Draft me. I’ll take $1.5 million, so I’m a bargain.
3. Alternate headline for this story: “Dallas Officials Hope You Don’t Poop in the Pool This Summer.”
4. OK, maybe I lack imagination, but this North Texas dad who thinks this Happy Meal toy is saying something dirty? I do not hear it. I hear an annoying toy I’d probably “lose” first chance I got. Is he sure the toy’s just not annoying and he needs an excuse to chuck it? And why is it necessary to insist on only your first name if you’re going to go on camera anyway? I recommend listening to the video so you can judge for yourself, and if you have the intestinal fortitude to listen to several repeats of what the toy says, it’s worth it to hear Lori Barager say, “Oh! He hoofed! He poofed!”
5. Bruce Felps riffs on Dwaine Caraway’s opposition to the beer and wine referendum here. Felps makes a few good points, but I’d also like to point out this: Is it at all helpful to South Dallas’ image when its own council member feeds a stereotype? I’m willing to bet there are residents of South Dallas that are not fans of Thunderbird and likely drive into a wet area right now to purchase a nice bottle of wine.
Meet The New Owner of 3500 Beverly
And see what else he’s buying… to tear down… and what else he owns over on DallasDirt.
Museum Tower, Miles Austin’s neighbor’s home, been a hectic day in Dallas real estate!
iPhone 4 Freaks in Queue
Just drove by the Apple store on Knox. Swear it was on the way home. No way did I harbor thoughts of the line having magically abated and my popping in to buy one. Spotted on the scene: the nattily attired Ed Shaikh, owner of Hadleigh’s.
Russ Martin to Return to Dallas Airwaves
A CBS insider tells me that Russ Martin will return to the air on July 12, when “The Russ Martin Show” will re-debut on 97.1 The Eagle. Martin will take the morning spot, along with his entire crew from the old show, save for J.D.
When he was still working for CBS (I guess he still technically is, as his contract doesn’t expire till the end of this month), Martin said he’d never again do mornings. It’ll be interesting to hear how he handles the transition. It’s hard to get porn stars up at 7 a.m. It’ll also be interesting to see whether his rabid fans will follow him to a new Bat time and Bat channel.
Wells Fargo Left Hand, Meet Wells Fargo Right Hand
Or, as one FrontBurnervian put it, it looks like the bank is still getting the hang of this whole SEC thing.
We reported on June 14 that Wells Fargo had bought a huge 12.36 percent stake in A. H. Belo. We reported on June 21 that it had halved that holding. A seven-day turnover might seems strange, but hey, they are a huge bank so they know what they’re doing, right?
Not right. Today Wells Fargo submitted yet another SEC filing to say that, well-what-do-you-know, it actually owns 12.91 percent of A. H. Belo. Apparently a subdiary bought stock while the fourth-largest bank was selling it — maybe. Or it was nearly right the first time. Or someone there just doesn’t know how to add.
My confidence in our financial institutions just keeps growing. Meanwhile, A. H. Belo’s stock was one of the top ten performers on Wall Street at mid-day, up 3.2 percent. Apparently, investors respond well to total confusion.
An Intern Reports From the Groundbreaking at Museum Tower
Ashley Slayton graduated from Prairie View A&M in 2008. She is spending some time with us this summer, trying to figure out how, exactly, we managed to put out a magazine every month. Today she drew the short straw and had to stand in the heat for the groundbreaking at Museum Tower. Her report follows the jump.
Shame on the DMN
Today the Dallas Morning News ran a story about the Richardson ISD employees who dumped pollutants in Dixon Branch Creek, which feeds White Rock Lake. When you are following in the footsteps of another news organization two days later, it is appropriate to give credit where credit is due. The DMN, of course, did not give that credit.
Kudos to Lake Highlands Today.
10 Most Beautiful Beautiful Women in Dallas Update
We’ve reached our quota on pictures with poles. (Women posing with poles, women hugging poles, women on poles.) We’re still accepting photos with women on park benches, women smiling with their hair blowing in the breeze, and women with Chihuahuas in their purses. Click image to enter.
SideDish Is No. 1 News Source for Tennis News
Uncle Nancy just called from home, where she is procrastinating. She should be writing her lead dining review for the August issue. Instead, she was watching the longest tennis match in history, at Wimbledon. (We were watching it in the office, too.) Nancy asked me to google “Wimbledon tennis match” and look for the top news result. Sure enough: it’s SideDish. Makes total sense. An historic sporting moment. And the place you want to come read about it, your trusted news source, is a local blog about food and dining.
A Sincere Apology to the Fine Folks at the Kitchen Source
Last night, we threw a party in the Fairmont’s Venetian Room for the 2010 Best Real Estate Agents and Best Mortgage Brokers. It fell to me to congratulate the couple hundred people gathered and thank the sponsors who helped us throw the shindig. This is always a dodgy situation, because I have a tendency to ad lib in a way that sometimes produces bad results (I still feel bad about referring one time to a pregnant woman in the audience who, I later learned, was not pregnant). Our marketing department, which produces these affairs, is always on edge until I put down the mic. Last night I kept it straightforward and simple, and I thought I got off the stage without any goofs — until I shook hands with one of our sponsors, Bob Johns, president of the Kitchen Source, and he informed me that I’d not once but twice referred to his outfit as the Kitchen Store. I think Bob asked me, “So how did you like having worked at D Magazine?” Then he reached into his coat pocket, I thought perhaps to retrieve a well-made Grohe faucet with which to bludgeon me. Turns out he was just searching for a business card.
Today, I still have my job and access to this blog. While I do, I’d like to state for the record that when you go to the Kitchen Source, every remodel or new construction project becomes an exceptional experience. That’s what their website says, and I have no reason to disbelieve it.
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