Chris Harrison apparently promised that last night’s episode was the most emotional Bachelor yet. He lies. Sure, Ali’s grief causes her to momentarily lose the use of her legs–someone nominate that woman for an Emmy!– but this show was as boring as any of the others before it. Even with special guest star appearances by the poor(er) man’s The Situation (with Pauly D hair and glasses!), Lazy Eye’s dad King Squirrel Chaser (sporting Mr. Magoo glasses!), and Camela Soprano (no glasses but poured into a very, very, very short dress!), this thing was a total yawn. Here’s why: Jake is as terrible as those Jamaican beads he rocks for a few minutes at the beginning of this episode. Nothing is going to change that. But for those so inclined, let’s put on the leotard, fire up the Canon in D, and choreograph the most lyrical recap ever after the jump.