Sick of all the dirty campaigning and so on, the two presidential candidates come up with an unorthodox strategy to determine a winner: each will be allowed to choose an animal, train it for one month, and then pit it against his opponent’s beast in a no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all battle. (Just assume for our purposes that, somehow, PETA is on board with this.) UPDATE: Should have noted: no weapons allowed.
You are a presidential candidate. What (real — not imaginary, not mythical, not something out of a book or movie, not extinct) animal would you choose? And state your case.
Me? I’m leaning toward bull hippo. Super strong, perpetually bad mood, faster and more agile than it appears.
33 comments
Good choice. I know the hippo beat the bull shark on Discovery Channel’s Animal Face-Off: Hippo vs. Shark. But if it has to be real, I would go with a griffin.
It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.
Whoops… a Liger. It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.
I’d pick a human. No beef from PETA on that one.
I would choose the fly in my house that REFUSES TO DIE!! It follows me, buzzing, and landing with his filthy legs on everything I own. He would bring down any species.
and before you go an throw me off for a “mythical” creature, check here
Hogzilla.
Any moose that can outrun Sarah’s helicopter.
I’d pick a chimpanzee, armed with a .460 Weatherby Magnum. It’s particularly effective on bull rhinos.
If we rule out chimps with firearms, I’d go with a Cape buffalo.
Or maybe George DeJohn.
You know, Mike Tyson is willing to bite things off.
Can I change my answer to Mike Tyson?
(canned laughter-dissolves-into-applause track for Steve)
Seriously, though, you’ve failed to define the nature of this battle, other than that it’s “no-holds-barred.” Is it a fight to the death? A duel of witty rejoinders? A Nathan’s-hot-dog eating contest?
Actually, having considered the matter carefully (if not exactly at length), I believe the presidency should go to the candidate who can eat the most Nathan’s hot dogs. It would be a cathartic end to an exhausting election season.
Why must you be so detail-oriented when it comes to my tossed-off questions, Daniel?
It’s a fight to the death. Should death not occur after, say, a day, then yes, we can go to a tie-breaker of Nathan’s hot dog consumption.
Should *that* fail to yield a winner, then we move on to a round of Trivial Pursuit, but using the original game, so the animals will be forced to remember what the correct answer was in 1982.
If *that* also ends in a tie, then it’s back to a fight to the death, but this time under the auspices of chessboxing.
That wouldn’t be fair … can you imagine how many hot dogs McCain could hold in his jowls? We’re talking Kobayashi levels.
He said “tossed off” and didn’t get robo-edited. That’s what she said. Huh?
Why does pit-bull terrier come to mind? Of course wearing Gucci and lipstick.
Also, Gallo de Cielo.
He was a warrior born in heaven so the legends say.
His wings they had been broken, he had one eye rollin crazy in his head.
He’d fought a hundred fights and the legends say that one night near El Sueco
They fought Cielo seven times, and seven times he left brave roosters dead.
I mean, what could be more appropriately symbolic to solve this dilemma than a ****fight?
Wow, you’re quite the policy wonk, Zac.
I would choose a bonobo. It would humiliate the religious right with its lewd shenanigans, and that’s the kind of healing America needs right now.
And now you have me jonesin’ to watch _Battle at Kruger_ yet again.
Turducken – three on one!!
Russell’s viper is the world’s No.5 Venomous snake. Its is responsible for more human fatalities than any other venomous snake. It is irritable. When threatened, it coils tightly, hisses and strikes with such speed that its victim has little chance of escaping. Its hemotoxic venom is a powerful coagulant, damaging tissue and blood cells.
I think everybody should have the right to pick their own animal. If they can’t afford one, I think the rich should pick two animals and immediately give one away. And, when they give that second animal away, they should pay a larger animal gains tax because they used their original choice on something they then parted with. Of course, I feel you should agree on this fundamental change in animal policy because Bush is bad.
Laughing at Obama…
What if your animal were to produce offspring? Would thast put you in a higher animal tax bracket? What kind of benefits would I recieve if say I chose a rabbit rather than a horse?
Decent idea, Obama. But not as fun as lewd shenanigans. Bonobos will often **** another bonobo’s *****, the comedic implications of which are self-evident; also, their multifarious perversions include ********, *****, ********* and ****. For a bonobo, fencing with its ***** is just another way of saying hello, and at the end of the day, the whole family settles down to an evening of **** the *****, ******, or ******* each other’s *****. It’s like The Aristocats, only acted out, only it’s not acting, it’s just another day at the office for a randy bonobo. If a bull hippo tried to rip its limbs off, the bonobo would ***** the hippo’s ****, and I mean, really now, whaddaya think that bull hippo’s gonna do?
My animal is the feared and fearsome crocogator – head of crocodile on one end, and head of alligator on the other.
And in the end, they all fell victim to the bacteria that causes the common cold.
a bear
I think a grizzly would be better a chessboxing than a hippo.
I would probably pick a polar bear though. Even if PETA’s on board, that would have to piss them off.
One word: Jackalope!
As you can witness from the greatest prank call in the history of womankind, a sow with lipstick is my animal of choice
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/01/masked-avengers-prank-cal_n_140023.html
No fair! You already picked hippo. I wanted a hippo. And polar bear has also been taken? Damn. Give me the bot fly. (http://www.cracked.com/article_15816_5-most-horrifying-bugs-in-world.html)
Magic Johnson…not even HIV can slow him down.