I have been racked with guilt since doing the deed Sunday. But also, yes, filled with pride. In response to Eric’s taunt and to satisfy the curiosity of Those Who Care, I’ll tell you about killing that squirrel.
It started with a cousin of the squirrel, the rat. Two of them. Awhile back I espied them frolicking in the Asian jasmine ground cover in my backyard, in broad daylight. I’m no ratologist, but this seemed to me aberrant behavior. Aren’t rats nocturnal? I figured they had rabies. Or they’d gotten into my liquor cabinet. Either way, they had to die.
I borrowed my neighbor’s pellet gun. Long story about how that turned out. I spent most of a weekend perched by a sliding glass door, taking periodic shots at them. But there was a mixup with the ammo. My neighbor’s wife had given me BBs instead of pellets. Anyway, the rats won.
But then I got my hands on some pellets — which, as you surely know, are a much different ordnance. They actually rifle out of a gun, rather than tumble like BBs. Better accuracy. But I still thought they would be non-lethal with just one pump of the air rifle.
So this past weekend, when I caught a squirrel chewing on the side of my house, I figured I’d ding him with a pellet. “Hey, cousin of rat! Stop eating my house!” You know, send him a message.
The squirrel sat on a stone wall about 60 feet away. A low-hanging branch forced me to kneel to take the shot — not the steadiest of shooting poses. But I hit him. And he jumped right off that wall. At least that’s what I initially thought.
After I put the gun back on top of the piano, I got to wondering: “Jump? Or fall?” I went back outside and walked around to the other side of that stone wall, and, sure enough, there was a dead squirrel. I told myself that it was possible the dead squirrel had been there all along and that the one I’d shot at had actually scampered off. But that lie became harder to cling to when I got a Hefty bag and scooped up the carcass and felt that it was still flexible and warm.
So there you have it. A perfect example of why you must always heed the first and second rules of gun safety: 1) Assume every gun is loaded. CHECK! 2) Never point a loaded gun at something unless you intend to destroy it. OOPS.
39 comments
Tell it again, Tim.
You will be haunted . . .IJS.
“I have been racked with guilt since doing the deed Sunday. But also, yes, filled with pride.”
So, did you “do the deed” before killing the squirrel, or in celebration of killing the squirrel?
Technically, the squirrel did violate the Texas castle doctrine as he was in your backyard. You had every right to shoot him.
Mmm. Flexible and warm.
Hilarious, MM!!!
@ Jeff Duffey: you managed to squeeze necrophilia and bestiality into a four-word joke. That’s some really solid work, friend.
I had the same problem last year. After spending nearly $20K on new stucco gables and all new eaves on my 1929 Hollywood Heights Tudor cottage, I had squirrels ripping holes in my new woodwork to get into my attic. They did it during the day when I was at work. Every evening I had to inspect the entire house and patch damage. It was impossible to keep the squirrels out of my attic, so I started killing them. I got ‘kill trap’ from a pest control professional, and subsequently killed at least six squirrels. This summer I got a new $13K roof that provided a much tighter drip edge and a $200 stainless steel cage to secure my rooftop ventilator. So far I haven’t had any more problems, but I’m keeping an eye out because there is very heavy squirrel activity in my neighborhood.
Tim, I’m sure Ball’s Hamburgers on Northwest Highway won’t appreciate me saying this, but I think rats do indeed cavort in the daylight. There were two fighting the pigeons for an onion ring out on the patio Sunday.
Don’t be fooled by the Rocky & Bullwinkle stories, squirrels are nothing but big rats with shaggy tails. And they can be very aggressive and destructive. But they are quite tasty when served over rice with gravy.
I hate squirrels. Good shootin’ Tex!
Do you still have the gun?
But did you get the rats?? That’s the most important thing, isn’t it?
Squirrels are rats with fuzzy tails and better PR agents. Congrats on your kill. Did you get all Red Dawn and eat the heart or wipe blood on your face?
The best part of the story: “After I put the gun back on top of the piano…”
@ ziggurat: upright Wurlitzer. It belonged to my grandfather. Perhaps not the best place to stow an air rifle, I admit.
kYle: It is, “Nice shootin, Tex!” Around here, if you’re going to quote movie lines, we need ‘em to be accurate. Thanks for playing.
I am known as Keyser Soze to the local rodent populous.
Three quick tips:
1) When shooting at rats in the kitchen, avoid the dishwasher kick plate. They don’t hammer out and are expensive to replace.
2) You should only “do the deed” on Sundays and Wednesdays because trash pickup is the next day.
3) If a rat is caught in a trap on top of your refrigerator, 8 inches is too close to pull the trigger. And you are the only one on brain detail.
Look, I love dead rodent killin stories as much as the next red blooded ‘merican. But Jay, that’s going a bit far, isn’t it?
And Tim, where did you find pellets? They don’t stock them at the Wal Mart that I frequent.
I wondered about the gun on the piano. When I babysat, I thought it was in case the kids got out of line . .
Randy, that was a $20k story. Very Chris Chris.
Thank you, Lakewoody. I had the same reaction.
Almost makes me want to share my skunk, shovel and big dog story that happened two weeks ago.
It was gory and pungent. YUCK
“But Jay, that’s going a bit far, isn’t it?”
That’s what Dorothy Mantooth said last night after dinner.
I use a suppressed .22 Ruger for rodents and the tires of people who take up two parking spots or park in handicap zones without a tag.
What do you use on coworkers that misuse the word touche?
A touche bag?
@ Bethany
A Louis Baton
@Oh My Eyes
Next time, Dishsoap and hydrogen peroxide.
And Jay, just bag ‘em and freeze ‘em until trash day. Just don’t forget.
My back yard massacres tend to run more towards English Sparrows.
Lakewoody, not sure I know what you mean. Who’s Chris Chris?
Thanks for the heads up on the peroxide, Don.
I have been using the tomato juice and dawn dishwashing liquid method of smell removal.
I was four feet away from the final death location of the skunk. It reminded me of a tear gassed protest I was once part of. Ahh, all those 70s memories, without the bell-bottoms, and the hippie hair.
Randy, I present to you…. Chris Chris.
http://www.theunticket.com/chris-chris-investment-company/
As illustration, a less Chris-Chris-y way to write your sentence above might have been “After installing new gables and eaves on my house in East Dallas, I had squirrels ripping holes in my new woodwork to get into my attic.”
Love it. I know this seems cruel, but we’ve had like 50 of them in our backyard and the babies seem to get rabies and attack our dogs. So, I got one of those cute lil squirrel chairs where you put a corn cob on and they can eat and sit. First you get them hooked on the whole chair with corn salon approach. THEN, do a mixture of food on the base. It’s a feast for them. THEN, add in a little RAT PELLET mixture, some molasses and BAM. While the next thing ya know, they just disappear! Our neighbor has 17 pecan trees and even my Bubba contractor remarked, “Man ya gotta do something about that.” No more problems. If I could only do that with other pesky bloggers on DallasDirt!
Thank you mm and well put.
Lakewoody and mm: Is this any better?
I had a problem. Squirrels ripped holes in my house. I killed them. They died alone.
Is that how Hemingway would have written it?
Good point Randy but no one cares how much your new stucco gables cost, the cost or your new roof, or what type of house you bought. That has no impact on the story at hand. Great story, but no need include prices. That is something “Chris Chris” would do as he wants the masses to be impressed with the money he spends on certain things.
I am late seeing this, obviously. Tim, I will get both kids, the gun, the ammo and change the locks before you get home tonight. Have fun with JW at the range this weekend. Learning about “gun safety.”
Lakewoody: I didn’t buy my house to impress anyone. I doubt many people would be impressed by a humble cottage anyway. It was a distressed property in a conservation district when I bought it in 1990. I happen to enjoy living a modest lifestyle on a smaller scale in an older home. I’m currently restoring the home in a historically-sensitive manner. I only stated the costs to show why squirrel damage can drive a normally peaceful person to kill, not to invoke jealousy among “the masses”. By the way, I wasn’t trying to make any point with that last post. I was just trying to inject a little humor…
Chris Chris’ favorite beverage is going away… http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/millercoors_quietly_kills_zima