Something’s Rotten at Whole Foods
Professor Willard Spiegelman — who will delight readers of the “print product” with a missive in December — is having trouble with his bananas. Jump to find out what he’s discovered at the Whole Foods on Lomo Alto.
Has anyone ever proposed doing a story, an expose, actually, about the hideousness of Whole Foods? I have returned produce to the store on Lomo Alto, near the sacred Highland Park ZIP code, more times than I would like to recall. For years. I have never complained to Albertson’s, or Tom Thumb or Safeway. (I have never had cause to do so.) But this place, which charges high prices and also prides itself on its wholeness, organicity and freshness, is just absurd. I have been told that the one on Forest Lane is much better, but I’m not about to double my carbon footprint and drive there for bananas.
Today’s episode: I said nicely to the young lady at Customer Service that two weeks ago I bought some organic bananas, which remain green in my kitchen. Several years ago, in a similar moment, the produce man at Whole Foods told me, sub rosa, that organic bananas are terrible because unlike normal ones they seldom ripen off the tree. The ones in my kitchen are still as hard as a rock. The girl was very nice, as was the girl last week, when I complained about rotten strawberries, and this time she gave me a $25 gift certificate, which I then used to purchase new groceries. The nice manager also spoke to me and said they were having trouble with their vendors, and “of course, we are so grateful to you because we want our customers to be happy,” yackety-yak, und so weiter.
I brought home my new groceries, which this time included three (non)organic bananas, which have already begun to rot in my kitchen, AND two peaches, which were rotten when I opened them. I shall return tomorrow to demand my $4 back.
Do I have better things to do with my time? You bet. But I feel like Upton Sinclair, exposing the jungle of bad meat in Chicago, a hundred years ago.
Please advise.
32 Comments to “Something’s Rotten at Whole Foods”
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Try putting the bananas in a paper bag with a tomato.
Or start buying them at Sprouts.
The prof is an obsessed curmudgeon and apparently a sandwich short of a picnic. He was told “Several years ago…” about organic bananas, yet bought them, knowing in the back of his mind that he would double his carbon footprint for this purchase when he returned to complain.
And this is newsworthy because…?
“They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry… I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!”
- Kramer, in “The Mango”
I blame the diseased pecan tree on Armstrong.
Maybe he should learn how to pick fruit. Bananas never last, and neither does youth, who can I complain to about that?
That’s why I only go to Whole Foods to fill up on samples.
Really, I have gotten so-so meat from that WF before so I don’t shop there. Plus the service was lacking.
I blame the liberal media.
Bethany is righ, partially. Green bananas should go in a opaque bag. It “tricks” the fruit that it is “dying” and a hormonal response occurs in the fruit forcing it to go to seed, i.e. ripen. In this case, leave out the tomato, but you can use this method on late season green tomatoes, ripening them in stages using a lunch bag.
Whole Foods IS having issues with vendors, ever since Sprouts and Cental Market came to town.
Phil was right, we are a country of whiners.
These rotten issues never composted at the Lomo Alto Whole Foods until after it was deemed by an idependent study group who noted the ‘leafy veggies’ became ‘wilted’ after an ‘unholy percentage of shoppers therein admitted they liked Sarah Palin.’
Umm…do you not check your produce before buying it? How could you NOT know you’ve just put rotton peaches in your shopping cart? I doubt very much they rotted from the time you left the store to the time you got home.
If you continue to complain about bad fruit, the terrorists win.
maybe if he spent less time complaining and more time eating his groceries, they wouldn’t spoil.
O the humanity!
This was a parody of James Lileks, right?
score, brett… score.
Doesn’t want to increase his carbon footprint, but buys bananas? Dude, your carbon footprint is alreay ginormous - where locally do you think these bananas came from?
What about his methane footprint with all rotten fruit. Obama would never let that happen on his watch.
This is what real organic fruit, unlike tastless pesticide-filled pieces of waxed cardboard, is supposed to do: rot.
I love that Whole Foods produce can rot, and that its organic milk gets sour next day, if I forget to put it in the fridge. This is exactly what I overpay for: to see that my Whole Foods purchases taste and behave exactly like the ones I had when I was sent to the countryside as a kid.
And I had no idea I could return something if it rots. In the countryside, rotten fruit is just thrown away, and written off. I admire Whole Foods even more now.
Like did you ever try to return really defective $800 shoes to Neiman Marcus, which don’t do what shoes are supposed to do? Neiman Marcus’ customer service is not half as gracious as Whole Foods!
Why would you buy peaches in October?
I like bananas.
I buy most of my produce at either Sprouts or the Farmer’s Market, depending on how freaking hot it is.
… or $800 shoes?
Gosh, Ana, statistics prove that organic milk has a longer shelf life…must have been Karl Rove.
Just send me all of the bad bananas - chocolate banana bread FTW!
Hmmm…as I type, there is mention of a Whole Foods on fire. Maybe the prof decided to pull an “Office Space”?
I’m sure Sprouts could get corrupted, but it’s pretty damn awesome. The new Coit/Campbell location, though, has been pretty empty on my handful of visits.
@ S.E. There were a lot of sirens here in E. Dallas around 3:30, and the DFD website listed about seven units at the one under construction at Abrams & Gaston. I haven’t been by there yet though.
Amanda, organic milk gets sour (instead of turning green in couple months) easily, unless it’s ultra-pasterized. (http://consumerist.com/5026783/why-most-organic-milk-stays-unspoiled-longer);
I got E-Coli at that WF twice, but that was the spinach debacle - I go to Sprouts or the Farmers Market much like Bethany.
Now I know my Friday afternoon, and by extension, my life, is sorely lacking: I have actually read all the comments in this born-useless thread, and then actually clicked Ana’s link. Kill me now, please.
As Johnny Stecchino once said, “Sometimes a a banana is just a banana.”
He he stuttered a a lot…
Ana, the good professor’s problem is that his organic banana won’t turn soft; in his own words, it has remained “hard as a rock” for two weeks and counting.
After four hours, I’d seek medical assistance. Nurse! Oh, nurse!
@ Daniel: that’s what she said