I’m sure as soon as I post this, something will break big. But, seeing as it’s been a slow news day so far, here’s something to ponder at lunch time: Do you think you could defeat me, Zac Crain, in a punch-’em-up?
Here are a few stats to help you make your decision:
- I’m more or less average height/weight.
- I have no formal training, other than about half a year of karate in high school and some boxing for exercise a few years ago.
- My skull is abnormally solid.
- I have some real-life fight experience.
- I am willing to fight dirty.
- I can throw a punch. Ask various walls and inanimate objects over the past decade.
- I am a bubbling cauldron of repressed rage. (See above item.)
So. Do you think you can best me in a throwing of hands?
58 comments
I know I can’t but I’m sure a couple of 5 year olds could. http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/fight5
No. I know you could whip my ass.
-Tear stained ZC/07 t-shirt wearing pussy
I’d need about a week for the Lexapro to get out of my system and 10 days to get really touchy. Then I would beat you like you owe me money. Otherwise, I’m a pacifist.
you know I just hate people who like or want to fight so much I could just beat the hell out of them! Oh!,serenity now serenity now serenity now.
Honey
Senator Robert Byrd could kick your sweet ass and you would never know what hit you.
Let’s be clear. I don’t *want* to fight. I’m not suggesting this actually happen.
I’m just asking: if we find ourselves in a situation where we *are* pitted against one another, could you beat me?
Invisible Greg, I’m going to put you down as a “no.”
No, Mr. Crain, I could not.
Yes. Because you have balls and I don’t. It only takes a well-placed kick to bring down the strongest of men.
You don’t stand a chance against me.
Cogent point, MEP.
I have exceptional quickness, a touch of carpal tunnel syndrome, and the capacity to function on Red Bull and Beer Nuts alone. You decide.
Define “beat.” Are we talking to the death, ’til someone begs for mercy, blood spurts, or the cops show up and the “winner” gets carted to jail?
I’d say until one of us says “uncle.”
“Start with the part where (Zac) gets knocked out by a 90-pound girl ’cause… I don’t think that’s ever getting old.”
Pffffft … girls don’t say uncle. We cry and make you feel bad for making us cry, then we sucker punch you in the gut and knee you in the groin.
Trey: “We have every reason to be afraid.”
AnonyMouse: “Why? Because Spamboy beat up Zac? That ain’t so hard.”
Who cares about the skull? What you want to do first is snap a limb (preferably an arm — if you break the leg first, the guy will fall down and then you have to bend over to punch him in the face).
Yes.
OneArtDirector:
What’s the female genital-equivalent of balls? Lips? My guess is, one hard kick to your lips, and you go down just as fast.
I’ll call the Ticket and see if they’ll let us decide for real at this year’s Fight Night. Did it once, could do it again.
I think it’s a draw. I’ve got the reflexes of a cat and the quickness of a mongoose, but YOU’VE been working out…
Maybe, if my theme song was playing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fWvub_WBho
If I could land a Texas-Style gut punch followed by an Alabama Foot Stompin’ or a Cincinnati Pile Driver and then finish off with a One-Armed Nipple Pinch, I could have you crying like T.O.
we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you’re gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
Totally dependent on which one of us is more rage-filled the day of said, imaginary fight.
If your fighting skills are no better than your mayoral campaigning skills, I would think so.
Sorry dude, it was just sitting there…waist high, middle of the plate.
I would distract you with a carton of Marlboro Lights and a Dallas Mavericks game program.
Since you will no longer be thinking about a fight, I will hit you over the head with the NBA championship trophy I borrowed from the Miami Heat.
Contest over.
If any of these fights happen, I promise to send my 4,000,000 female readers to watch.
… and I’ll bring the Cactus Juice.
unfortunately for you, I am bringing the hair-swinging boys from Strangleweed and the pipe-swinging, mid-cities pugilists from Egress and a big, heavy sack filled with hundreds of kittens; so you and your pAper chAse empire stand no chance.
Way to swing the pussy, TOD.
Can we do an online tourney? Maybe Zac against 63 others? You could host it on the D site. Oh wait. Nevermind. Damn CMS.
(wink wink AEM)
Yes. You throw the first punch and all I have to do is pull the trigger.
Pretty much a given.
sack of kittens wins. End of thread.
I can and will crush you, maggot.
Or, alternately: Your mama.
As a completionist, I’d be remiss to omit It’s never a slow news day when I’m with your wife. (winking at your wife)
No longer an academic exercise now, is it nancyboy! Bring it on, pinche puto!
Are you smoking or going through withdrawals?
I’m smoking, yes. Total failure.
j.d.w.:
He’s still smoking. I think he’s feeling his oats at the moment owing to a new, rather butch haircut he recently got. It’s a good-looking haircut, and it flatters him. I don’t know if it helps in the hand-throwing department, though.
All joking aside, you could almost certainly school me but good, Zac, as I tragically have no torso.
I decided to break this down on a ME, YOU, TIE scale and tally the results.
•I’m more or less average height/weight. ME! I am less than average height and all your punches will graze harmlessly over my head. My punches however will land clearly on either “franks” or “beans”.
•I have no formal training, other than about half a year of karate in high school and some boxing for exercise a few years ago. YOU! I have half a year of karate from the 2nd grade. I also have half a year of French from the second grade (I went to this weird private school in Ohio before moving to Texas)…so I learned how to surrender easily.
•My skull is abnormally solid. YOU! My hands are more fragile than Lady Bird Johnsons. Your skull alone may be the end of me.
•I have some real-life fight experience. TIE! So do I. Usually ending in me getting my rear kicked. But I do know how to take a punch…and pretend like I’m knocked out so I will stop getting punched.
•I am willing to fight dirty. TIE! My first punch/kick goes to your crotch. As you roll around in pain my next punch/kick…your crotch again.
•I can throw a punch. Ask various walls and inanimate objects over the past decade. ME! I can throw a brick…and I may.
•I am a bubbling cauldron of repressed rage. (See above item.) YOU! I am a bubbling cauldron of passiveness and Dos Equis. “Stay thirsty, My friends.”
You win. Good fight.
Oh, well if you’re still smoking… All we’d have to do is get you to run around in circles until you’re winded (which shouldn’t take long because the smoker lung capacity sucks) and then sucker punch you in the gut & face. Bam, over!
have i mentioned i was reared on the streets of Philadelphia? i’ve thrown more left hooks than you’ve smoked ciggies
i’ll kick all your arses with a tumbler of neat Glenlivet in my right hand never spilling a drop
a la: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNGBWlsJS-4&feature=related
I like your style, jrp.
well, i like your style too, man…got the whole cowboy thing goin’
Zac – I would distract you with my boobs, them climb you like a spider-monkey and put you in a Triangle Choke submission hold until you cried like a little girl. No punches needed, cause that could break one of my nails.
Yeah. Now Go Cut Me A Swich Boy!
Zac is turning into Fred Willard’s character in “Best in Show”.
“So, tell me… how much do you think I can bench press? Just guess…”
Yes, Sway would be the overall winner. Zac is easily distracted with boobs.
Sway, Can I be next after you finish off Zac? Please?
Sway,
You had me at spider monkey.
Maybe someone should call the Ticket after all.
http://cityhallblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/06/zac-crain-beat-himself-in-dall.html
ok, so… no crazed, wild-eyed nicotine withdrawal rage, no more Sampson hair, and a cush job at D… even I could take you!
Boobs win every time. Sway- wanna fight?
I have heard that for a girl, it really hurts to get socked in the boob but I have never hadt the ….guts? decency? sitiuation? restraining order?…. or whatever to try. I’m wondering if the pain is equivalent to getting kicked in the balls.
Gosh, it is a slow news day.
The atom bomb isn’t real.. It’s just Chuck falling out a plane and punching the ground..
God wanted to create the world in 10 days… Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
The fastest way to a man’s heart is Chuck Norris’s fist.
The only reason that Chuck Norris is one eighth cherokee is because he ate an Indian.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter
Zac,
I’d hit you with so many lefts that you’ll beg me for a right. If you ever see me fighting a bear, you better jump in and help the bear.
I’m all hopped up on Mountain Dew!
(I’d also fight with a trident)
If you withstand a my false bravado and the awesome sight of my thoroughly macho pectoral implants, I’ve been holding a fart in for well over 9 hours now (I started clenching on a flight from Austin earlier today in an effort to not cause a ruckus, and just kinda kept it going because… well…)
It’s your olfactory, amigo…take you best shot.