Time to Get Your Green On

Tomorrow is the St. Patrick’s Day Greenville Avenue Parade. I’ve gone just about every year since, oh, 1992 or so, rain, sleet, or shine. So, unlike those conflicted Catholics, I’m very excited about tomorrow. Now, this year, for various reasons, I won’t be a judge of the parade, which I’ve been six or seven times in the past. Two D mag superstars, staff photographer Elizabeth Lavin and assistant managing editor Stacey Yervasi, are taking my place. I have a few pieces of advice for them:

• Work out a scoring system. There are a lot of floats/groups/drunks, coming at you fast. You need to not only decide what category they can compete in (best overall, most green, stripper-iest [may not be an actual category]), but decide how you’re going to rank them (numbering system, five stars?) so that others can decipher your scoring system.
• Look out for Tom Stephenson. He’s the mustachioed gentleman who basically started the parade back in the ’80s. He’s a fabulous raconteur and a general all-around bad-a. So, you know, look out.
• Look out for Jake, one of the owners of Desperado’s, the great Tex-Mex place on Greenville. Look out for him because my wife thinks he’s an absolute hunk, and I think she may be correct. So, you know, look out.
• The liquor store next to the judging stands will open before the parade starts. So don’t panic.
• Last year, the good folks at Black-eyed Pea let us use the bathroom there. But be kind and buy some green brews from them occasionally to show your support. They’re good peeps.
• Coach Joe Avezanno may or may not be a judge this year. He was last year, but his joint is in Frisco now. However, if he is there, befriend him. He is a good person, and makes the parade entertaining. However, you will have to do his judging for him. IJS.
• Don’t get distracted by the flying beads. Don’t get caught up in all the flashing. And, if you do, use your iPhones.