Greetings From Maastricht!

MAASTRICHT, HOLLAND — Ahoy, FrontBurnervians. I’m coming to you live from TEFAF, the world-renowned art and antiques fair held in Holland. I arrived here at the showcase early this morning before the doors opened for a VIP reception and had free reign of this huge exhibition/sale and watched the dealers as they set up. Miro, Henry Moore, Rembrandt are on the wall; Martha Stewart and Camilla Parker Bowles are in the Hall. I hear through the chardonnayvine that the Howard Rachofskys from Dallas are somewhere close by. I’ve just finished feasting my eyes on a $30 million Van Gough (The Child with an Orange) that has not been on the market for almost a century, a watch designed by Andy Warhol, and Vincent van Gogh sur son lit de mort, a rare etching made from the drawing of VG on his deathbed by Dr. Paul Fedinand Gachet. Spooky and intense, and a bargain at $25,000 euros. Or, as the dealer said to me, “the price of the greatest rarity.” Overheard before the doors opened: “I’ve been trying to work a million dollar deal with him and I can’t reach him on the phone” and “For the next two hours I am only interested in making money…the rest of the art world can f***k off.” But my favorite came from some dandy British collector in yellow silk pants, purple blazer, and neon green eyeglasses. He took a platter of Dover sole from a server, pushed a hair off his forehead and said, “Dear, how many Warhols do we have? Perhaps today we can pick up one or two more.” Hmm, they’re playing my tune. Gotta zoeken.