Christmas Tipping for Dummies
The controversial Marty Cortland offers his tips for those who are unsure in the season of glad tidings. After the jump.
Christmas Tipping for Dummies
My wife handed me an envelope thick with cash and instructed me to deliver it to the security guard at our office building. It would be just like her to take out a contract to have me whacked — and then get me to deliver the advance payment to the hitman. “What’s this for?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s his Christmas tip,” she replied distractedly, fishing through the thick confetti of credit card receipts for something in her Birkin.
Ah, it was that time of year again. The time of year when you could turn me over and shake me, and cash would flutter out of my pockets like a quaint Thomas Kincaid scene in a Christmas snow globe and slowly settle into all the outstretched hands of the grasping townspeople that crowd my life.
The envelope contained $160 in twenties. Had I had two tickets to the Crybaby Matinee at the Loews movie theater on Haskell, I would have contemplated substituting them for the cash — but for the fear that my wife would quiz the security guard on his receipt of the delivery. One hundred sixty dollars seemed a bit rich, but what do I know? I’m just the guy who earns it.
For those of you in the same boat, I thought I would offer a helpful guideline on how much you should tip the service people in your life (as dictated by my wife), if only to provide a point of reference to argue with your own wife if she’s insisting you fork over more.
Nanny: If full-time with multiple toddlers in her charge, five hundred bucks
Au pair girl: You have an au pair girl? I hate you.
Maid: Five hundred bucks. (Think of your nasty bathroom, you cheapskate.)
Yard man: Hundred fifty. Two hundred if he bags the grass after mowing.
Pool guy: Hundred.
Garbage men: Fifty bucks a piece.
Mailman: $50 per pound of mail you get on a normal day
Paperboy: New York Times, $100. Wall Street Journal, $75. Dallas Morning News, $50.
Lawyer: Ha! She’s already billed you for it.
Accountant: Did he manufacture a five-digit tax refund? Then your box at the American Airlines Center for a decent game. Otherwise, your lower bowl seats.
Editor: $200 gift certificate to Al’s.
– by Marty Cortland
18 Comments to “Christmas Tipping for Dummies”
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Seriously, this is flamebait, right?
Oh, I forgot: Your link to his profile takes me to an “inside” page (I have to be logged in to your wordpress site to view it). Don’t know if that’s what you were going for.
Since I change my own light bulbs, I gave the maid a 5 day cruise, but then again, I don’t have a Birkin, and (gasp) I’m wearing last week’s shoes. Here’s a tip for you…get over yourself.
Of course, Marty, being Marty, forgot a few things.
Human Lawn Jockey: 52 dollars
Ego Masseuse: 10 grand
Fluffer: Whatever he wants
Secretary?
Martu, Marty, Marty… it’s ‘au pair’ not ‘au par.’
Don’t forget to *not* tip your tutor.
I happen to know Marty’s fluffer, and he says it ain’t exactly stop at fluffin’ (his words).
Apparently, just after Marty “finishes” but before he pays his fee, Marty gets fidgety, then progressively more agitated and, in short order, angry, until finally, red in the face and bellowing, he wads up the money and throws it at him.
Get out you filthy gigolo! he cries.
For a Christmas bonus, he shoves the money down his throat. Want more want more? Am I made of money! Get out!
Your mailman (USPS) as a government employee is prohibited from accepting gifts such as cash from a customer. Government employees are prohibited from accepting such gifts if the gifts are given because of his/her position, i.e. you are giving a cash gift to you mailman, simply because he is your mailman and not a personal friend.
This is Marty freaking Courtland we are talking about, he can get five figure tax returns and tip any government employee he wants.
I like what KD said. I wonder if the members of Congress know that rule?
Is Marty Cortland by any chance Bobby Goldstein?
Is this for real? This is a joke, right?
Marty Cortland is a lot of things (one of such, not being Marty Cortland), but he is no joke.
Daniel:
Sounds to me like sour grapes (so to speak). My recommendation is that you have a frank discussion with Mr. Cortland — and let him know that you don’t appreciate that kind of treatment.
Is Marty Cortland really Cash McMogulson?
http://tinyurl.com/2ozecf
yes, we get it he’s rich. But can he solve the grackle crisis?
This makes my head hurt. I went and got a college education, and I should be raking and bagging leaves.
Oh come on Tim, everyone knows you’re too cheap to buy your wife a birkin.