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Cowboys-Bills: The Live Blog

Cowboys! Bills! Monday night! I’m home alone! Let’s live blog this baby…

7:35 — We’re here with the cats, the dogs, and a bowl of chili. Zach in New York may join later. Feeling good.

7:36 — Tony Kornheiser, who used to be funny, just said “Dallas should pound Buffalo like VEAL.” Seriously, I need to get in broadcasting.

7:38 — Ron Jaworski says that the rookie Buffalo QB, Trent Edwards, reminds him of a young Tom Brady. This is not new from Jaws. He said during the draft that Edwards, who went in the 3rd round, was borderline 1st-round talent. In fact, yours truly suggested the Cowboys take him in the 3rd during our NFL draft live blog.

7:41 — Zach from New York checks in. Says Cowboys 41, Bills 17. Doesn’t mention how many beers he’s had. I’m setting the over/under at 4.5.

7:43 — Chili down. Kick-off in the air. Love the Buffalo throwback uniforms, btw.

7:44 — Marshawn Lynch, the Buffalo RB, gains 15 yards or so on first down. I traded Lynch to Zach in our fantasy league the day before the season started. I’m an idiot.

7:45 — Zach points out I promptly waived the person I traded Lynch for. “You are the John Hart of fantasy football.” True, and painful.

7:46 — FAKE PUNT! Great call. Won’t help them a bit, but why not?

7:48 — Marcus Spears says they call Chris Canty “C-2.” See. Learned something.

7:50 — Zach’s wife says the Cowboys will lose “because you’re not paying attention.” What, live blogging isn’t paying attention? It’s paying INCREDIBLE attention.

7:51 — Just asked Zach if he bet on the game. He said, “Are you bald? Took Dallas and the over [45.5].”

7:52 — Turned on comments. The first one should be about how much Julius Jones sucks.

7:53 — Interception return for a touchdown. Hmmm. Who had that in the office pool? Zach wonders, “When did Vinny Testeverde start throwing for Dallas again?”

7:55 — Let’s not forget that former Fighting Irish man Julius Jones ran twice for -1 yards when they desperately needed a few yards, pinned deep in their own end. The tired, ridiculous line, parroted by most of the sports media here, that Marion Barber wouldn’t be as good as he is if he started the games and got 20 carries goes against everything your eyes tell you. It’s absurd. He needs to be THE running back for this team.

7:56 — Jaws just pointed out that the interception was the tight end’s fault. He’s such a great analyst. You actually learn something listening to him. Unlike, oh, everyone else.

7:59 — Nuther interception. Murmur. Zach: “Huh.”

8:00 — Clearly, I’m not supporting my team. I need more chili, and a beer. Rectifying that NOW.

8:02 — My world is exploding. Tim calling complaining he can’t get the game on the Internet. (GET CABLE YOU CHEAP $#%!.) My TV trying to record Heroes and High-Stakes Poker, thereby switching from game. Chili heating in microwave. Out of beer. Zach texting. Mass hysteria.

8:06 — BIG STOP by the Cowboys on 4th down! Zach on the Wade Phillips reaction: “Is there anything more old man-y than his fist pump?” (Answer: no.)

8:08 — What is wrong with Romo? Did he and Carrie Underwood have a fight before kickoff?

8:09 — Make no mistake: Buffalo has opened a can of whupass in the first quarter.

8:14 — Man, I missed Terence Newman. Good to see him back.

8:15 — How hot is Trend Edwards? He’s rocking the Miami Vice half-beard.

8:17 — Romo will settle down. Order should soon be restored. Nice pass to Whitten.

8:23 — Whoops. Forgot I re-round on the TiVo. Just now caught up. T.O.! Great catch. Here come da ‘Boys.

8:24 — Horrible call on the spike call.

8:25 — ROMO! WHITTEN! Touchdown!

8:26 — Just to give you folks a taste of my particular editing genius, here’s Zach’s most-recent IM. This is the sort of stuff I have to decipher and match up with the gametape in my head.

just emotion
love kornheiser
perfect touch
8:28 — Matt from Plano joins us. His exclusive take on the game so far:

nothing says ‘We can’t beat you with footballing’ like a fake punt and an almost kickoff throwback in the first half

8:30 — Zach is impressed at his IMing. He says, “Wow, I make NO sense. I could freelance for you.”

8:32 — Matt taking a shot at my fantasy GM ability, since I traded Lynch for Hines Ward before the season: “Marshawn Lynch has already surpassed Hines Ward in fantasy points just in this game.”

8:34 — The family just got home. The daughter: “Let’s turn this off and watch Chuck!

8:36 — Matt from Plano says about Roscoe Parish, the Bills WR: “I love a WR wearing No. 11. Did he really come that close to not making the team?”

8:38 — Um, I think Trent Edwards is going to throw underneath. Can the defense not figure this out? Do they not have TiVo?

8:40 — Have I not yet pointed out that I said six months ago that Trent Edwards is going to be a stud? Oh, I did point that out? Still. Just remember. I. Told. You. So.

8:43 — Zach is not that impressed with Edwards. “Only one pass covered more than 10 yards,” he says. “Very Colt McCoy-ish.” [Editor’s note: Zach is an Aggie.]

8:46 — He’s also not a fan of Buffalo. “If you could pick one city to NOT be from,” he asks, “wouldn’t Buffalo be in the running?”

8:47 — Hmmm. Not sure how to respond to that interception/touchdown. Murmur?

8:49 — Zach’s prediction holding true. So long as Cowboys outscore Buffalo 34-0 in second half.

8:50 — Huh. Nuther interception. Zach: “Think Romo wants to hit ‘reset’ on the Nintendo?”

8:53 — Steve Pelluer, anyone?

8:54 — Matt: “Most overrated QB in history?” [Editor’s note: Matt is a Redskins fan.]

8:56 — Matt: “Think Jerry is on the phone with Tony Banks?”

8:57 — What are the chances the Bills realize “Oh, wait, we’re the Bills!” by half-time? I hope it’s 90 percent or higher.

8:59 — Matt asks, “Which is more crushing: 4 Super Bowl losses, 2 to Dallas, or the second half of this game as Dallas spreads its lead to 42-17?”

9:01 — Buffalo misses the field goal wide right. Hear that before? Which brings up this bit of awesome trivia: there’s a wide right Wikipedia entry!

9:02 — Oh, no. Michele Tafoya reports Brad Johnson just grabbed his helmet. I would rather they just pull the team off the field and forfeit.

9:04 — Nick Folk = money.

More Zach IM speak:

Rookie of the Year?
old man fst pump
shoot me
berman blows

9:05 — Taking halftime to pretend to talk to family. Back in 10.

9:19 — I’m going out on a limb: Let’s feed Witten.

9:23 — Matt: “Nice that [Suzy] Kolber is wearing throwback uniform too. What was [she wearing]? Looked like neck-chaps over triple-XL leg warmers.”

9:30 — Maybe, to support my team, I should eat more chocolate-covered almonds? I’m on it.

9:31 — Sam Hurd shoulda had that touchdown.

9:33 — Zach is losing it:

gotta chatch that
or, catch that
so panicy
go for it
f*** it
roj hates you

9:34 — Can Wild Hogs be ANY good? Discuss.

9:36 — We’re doomed.

9:37 — Zach: “Were doomed.”

9:37 — That touchdown shouldn’t have counted. He was in the crease.

9:40 — BTW: Total yards… Dallas 206, Buffalo 155. Zach says, “How can our defense have given up 3 points and we’re getting killed?”

9:41 — Zach asks, “With that catch and penalty, does Anthony Fassano justify his second-round selection?” I sense sarcasm

9:42 — Matt makes a great point:

ok. nothing on earth makes me more berserk than calling a runback greater than 100 yards. The field is 100 yards. if i throw a td to the back of the endzone from the 10, is it a 15 yard TD pass?

9:43 — Let’s see if the defense can score for the Boys.

9:45 — Tim is on the phone. “What’s the score? Four interceptions? Were they all bad throws? Can you characterize the the interceptions for me?” Seriously. It’s like having a second wife. A balding second wife.

9:47 — Back to back great comments from the boys. Matt: Owens is like Witten without arms. Zach: Does Tim also not have a radio?

9:49 — Matt is on fire: “Edwards is one botched hold away from being crowned the next Favre.”

9:50 — Wife not on fire. “It’s bad enough we have to watch the game. But do you have to BLOG?” Hey, woman…I turned comments on. You got something to say, get yourself a laptop.

9:57 — Jerry Jones looks TERRIBLE. Oh, wait, that’s Marv Levy.

10:01 — Zach’s wife so angry, he reports, she went to bed in the first quarter. As Parcells might say, that’s game-day dedication from the player.

10:06 — Tim checks in:

Rogers checks in from White Rock Sports Bar (formerly Shady Side). There is decidedly more ESPN here and fewer sleeping children than at my house. Place is pretty busy. Nine televisions in a 2,000-sq-ft bar? Nice. Barmaid wearing a Keyshawn jersey (though I’m not to be trusted on the spelling). What’s the rule on jerseys of former players? Do I need to say something to her? … Also in the house: hard-blocking fullback Daryl Johnston. After every completion, people applaud here. In my house? Less applause.

10:10 — Jason Hatcher! Zach says he’ll be special. Tim says the Buffalo on the Bills’ throwback helmet looks like a Camel.

10:11 — My daughter just told me that one of her teachers home-schools her child. Murmur?

10:13 — Folks getting excited. Tim says Daryl Johnston just jumped out of shoe on the fumble. Zach says he jumped off his couch on the “ear-hole” tackle. He then reported: “I’m so white an unathletic.”

10:15 — Romo fumble. Many, many, many curse words. Hitting the hard stuff.

10:18 — Roy Williams is awful. So bad. A shell of the OU player of the same name. Zach is beside himself:

i swear to god, if roy williams $#@% keeps horse collaring, im going to jump out of my window THE #$%@ING RULE IS NAMED AFTER YOU

10:20 — Need another wide right.

10:21 — Ralph Wilson = The Cryptkeeper. Discuss.

10:22 — Tim says they’re playing pool at Shady Side. Not a good sign. “Keyshawn has actually removed his jersey. Wifebeater underneath.”
10:24 — WOW! The actual IM between Zach and I:

Zach: Need a turnover.

Me: I know, just one, right here.

Zach: That’s all we need.

Zach: GOD LOVES US!!!!!

10:25 — Yes he does, Zach. Yes, he does.

10:27 — Why does God hate us?

10:28 — Zach: Is Romo an NBA ref on the side?

10:30 — The insane thing is, Dallas can still win.

10:32 — Tim reports that upon Romo’s fifth interception, someone yelled, “Kill him!” Hmmm.

10:34 — Matt says that if Dallas scores, “I cover Witten with 11 guys on 2-point conversion.” He also says, regarding Zach and my prayers, “That’s why I worship Pan. Much less vengeful than Jebus.” [Simpsons reference.]

10:36 — Reminder, Dallas has outgained Buffalo by nearly 100 yards. Update: By 130 yards.

10:41 — MARION BARBER! Even Notre Dame man Tim admits, “MBIII is 15.7 times better than Julius. Hurts me to say it.”
10:42 — Tim: “Going to soil pants.”

10:43 — Fumblerooski here? Discuss.

10:44 — Touchdown! Knees trembling!

10:45 — Zach wants 5 wide, QB draw. Love it.

10:46 — Here is the 2-point try: … … Kill me.

10:48 — Onside kick. … THEY GOT IT! They can still win! Ridiculous!

10:49 — Zach: “I’m going to cry!”

10:51 — Here’s the report from Shady Side: “Daryl Johnston just ran the entire spectrum of emotion. Kicked and broke a chair. Now yelling lungs out over onside kick.”

10:52 — Witten. Please.

10:53 — Inconclusive. I think. Hope. But I believe T.O. is now terrible. He never catches with his hands anymore. Only his body.

10:56 — His hot body.

10:57 — So freakin’ nervous. Shaking.

10:58 — INSANE! INSANE! They did NOT get that called in time!


11:00 — [passed out]

11:01 — Matt: “How many pairs of Depends did Jerry Jones go through tonight?”

11:01 — Tim: “I just high-fived three strangers at the bar. Best game ever?”

11:02 — Zach: “Is there any way we don’t run the table?” Wants wife to know our live blog didn’t cause them to lose. In fact, it WILLED them to victory.
11:02 — Eric: Dreaming of Nick Folk’s strong right leg tonight. See you tomorrow, FBvians.

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  • JJ (not Jones)

    Yeah, this IS a great blog. Real standup material (won’t fly on the East Coast though).

    On the 59:58 & 0:02 – at least tonight these came in a different order :)

  • Marty Cortland

    Shoot! Looks like I missed some of the excitement.

  • Fro Munga

    Great game. I don’t agree that every questionable call went against the ‘Boys. They gained 8 extra yards from the fumble during the interception return. Most of all, that onside kick took longer than 2 seconds. Which left just enough time for the 2nd completion to gain those valuable last few yards to set up the winning kick.

  • Rawlins

    Watched this 4th quarter (were there 3 others?) @ Lee Harvey’s. No sound. (None needed) Only I watching when it was 16/24. But those last two minutes even the ‘who cares’ pool players watched. It became like that early Spielberg movie ‘Close Encounters’. At that point it was better without sound. Unless someone saw those last two minutes, there is no describing it, no explaining. The look on Tony Romo’s face was a moment in time. First time I ever told a bar “The drinks are on me”. (Even our dogs ordered) Priceless.

  • Sean

    Eric, the blogging was priceless. I couldn’t have blogged and watched the game. Right before the last touchdown I pulled out the superstitious, nearly new, autographed Daryl Johnston Wilson football and went through the ceremonial grips and hand motions. I couldn’t sit down for the last 3 minutes. Beautiful.

    Tony Kornholer is a putz.

  • Bethany

    I went to puke when the score became 16-24. As I stood there in my bathroom, post vomit, shaking and clammy, cursing the Cowboys, I slunk back to the living room and hit play on the dvr to watch what I’d missed.

    I’m really glad I did. I mean, who’da thunk? The success rate on an onside kick is what, 5 percent?

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  • Tiny B

    Re: 9:02 post

    Let’s see. Brad Johnson is the holder. The Cowboys are trying to get into field goal range before the end of the half and they don’t have any time outs. Doesn’t it seem like them might have to run the FG crew onto the field in a mad dash? Maybe Brad should grab his helmet?

    If we’re going to have women on the sideline serving basically no role, can’t they at least be hot?

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  • Spike

    Can you help me? I’m trying to subscribe to your RSS feed, but can’t seem to figure it out. Did you have that option in your blog? Really like it, BTW.