Live From Midway Hollow

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Greeting FrontBurnervian Foodies! Welcome to our first simulblogvideopodpeoplecast©! Most of our staff is in position, the food is on the way, and the wine is chilled. Here is the deal: you need to refresh your drink and page often to keep up with us. And, don’t forget, for every comment we make, you can make one, too! Settle back, don’t relax, and let’s get it on.

8:22–”Should I be worried about all the bugs that are crawling on the inside of my window?” asks our hostess, Jennifer Chininis. Just as we get Wifi connected, we discovered that JC doesn’t have Bravo. A small problem. But, champions adjust, and we now have Bravo connected. But now, JC has discovered a bug infestation behind her couch where we are sitting. So, now we have a house full of women, except me, freaking out over bugs. So you may be stuck with just me tonight.

Oh, here comes Laura and Jessica. They made a quick stop at Shinsei to get a look at what’s going on there. Here’s what they have to say.

8:26–Laura: “The scene at Shinsei is weird. It’s not crowded. The TV wasn’t on when we left at 8:15. The waiter kept touching me. The staff is wearing “Team Casey” t-shirts but there didn’t seem to be much spirit. You would never know that there was a big deal going on.”

8:29–We decided we don’t care because it’s now all about us and whatever happens in the next hour and a half is going to happen here in Midway Hollow.

8:34–Hoover has sucked up the bugs. We’re ready to roll. Casey’s pot stickers and fried rice delivered from Shinsei are on our plates and paired with a perfectly pretentious Riesling.

8:30 p.m. JC is on the Bravo web site signing up to win a meal for 10 of her closest friends prepared by the Top Chef winner. Nancy expresses doubt that anyone really has 10 friends.

8:41 p.m. Nancy hates Padma. “My arms are fatter than her arms.” Nancy is a hater.

8:44 p.m. Jessica J. heard that Dale has been called a “gay brontosaurus.” We laugh heartily.

8:45 p.m. We just tried to (prank) call Casey, and she has a reverse ring tone. It’s some rappy rap song. And weird.

8:54–We have no contact with reporters at Shinsei. Hmm. Oh wayit. Seems like our photographer Elizabeth is, how shall I say this, late. Sarah Eveans is now on the phone. “It’s packed. Early 30-year old girls and 40-year old dudes.” (The waiter touched Sarah too.) There is random chanting going on, “Casey, Casey, Casey.” The TV is on. There is a minute to go. Laura is smoking, JC is killing bugs, Jessica Jones is the only sane one here. Well, at least I’m typing. Here comes that Padma bitch.

9:01–At least we can’t see her scar tonight and that dress is kinda girly frilly. She looks less bitchy.

9:02–Meet us at the top of the mountain. There they go. Nice ice sculpture. Nice shorts and boots Padma. Welcome to the final challenge. Cook the best meal of you’ve cooked in your entire live. Hey, that is so easy. Sloppy Joes count? They have 35-minutes. I’m so sorry but this is so easy I could do it in my sleep. Laura and JC are smoking outside. Why am I doing this by myself. Hung is going duck. Surprise?

9:06–Remember the altitude dudes. That water is not going to boil like you think it is.

9:08 Rocco Dispirto! Holy hunko. We are now all horny. Except Hung got him.

9:10–Todd English goes to the Brontosaurus? Need a gay boy ruling here. May be unfair.

9:11 Michelle Bernstein? Wtf? She’s apparently a James Beard nominee. But so is Nancy. Go Team Estrogen!

9:13 p.m. The Bionic Woman is amazing.

9:14 p.m. Okay, to be fair, Nancy has made many comments about Casey’s hair. She thinks it’s sad that Casey clearly spends less time on their hair than the boys. I was slow to type it up though because I think it’s sexist.

9:15 p.m. Nancy is yelling at Kyle Kearby. Lavin has surfaced. She had some drinking issues. Oh no. Tim is calling.

9:18 p.m. Nancy is talking to her ENT doctor, who is sitting next to Sarah at Shinsei. He thinks the D girls are hot. He apparently has no opinion on the show. Nancy just got off the phone saying, “We have to go back to work.” We are journalists. For real, though.

9:23 p.m. Nancy likes Padma now. “She looks feminine and girly. I’m looking at the scar. She likes Out of Africa. She likes Flight of the Conchords. If I had her legs and her crotch I would show them, too.”

9:26 p.m. This “quick fire” is dragging. Hard.

9:27 p.m. Tom loves pork belly. Nancy says he will want to do something to Casey’s peach…Tom loves the pork belly.

9:30 p.m. Oh no. Here come the losers. Poor Howie. I don’t think he’s a “messy cook.” He’s just fat. Mean. Um… Nancy is calling Padma, “Pashmina.” We might be in trouble. Casey is using curse words. The rappy rap ring tone is showing.

9:35 p.m. Casey has a potty mouth. I hope her food isn’t as dirty as her mouth. But she sings! Like we do in the office! “Oh my goodness!” IN SONG. Love her.

9:41 p.m. At Shinsei: Dean Fearing–tons of people are around him. Kent is also there. “Everyone is biting their nails. There’s no quick fire,” Sarah says. Which is weird, because all along we thought this was the quick fire. We’re bad reporters.

9:43 p.m. Nancy hates Hung’s “foam jizz.” She must not be familiar with Marcel from last season. The term “Hung flavor” is disturbing.

9:45 p.m. From Shinsei: Kent, Lynae, Dean, and Tracy are downstairs at Shinsei watching the show on their own on a smaller television.

9:47 p.m. Nancy totally thinks Casey is going to win. She is yelling dirty words. It’s almost like Casey is here.

9:49 p.m. The word “nougatine” makes me sick. Luckily, Coors Light helps. Casey just won the viewer’s choice. JC voted 40 times. You owe her so big,Casey.

9:51 p.m. Nancy wants to sleep with “Pashmina.” “I want to lick that scar,” she says. I feel sad.

9:55 p.m. Here we go! Gayle is a “b.” But we would all be sad if we had to sit next to Pashmina.

9:57 p.m. Casey’s going to throw down with Pashmina. She’s lashing out. She just got “burnt” by Tom. Leakgate: Casey=guilty. Stop talking, Casey!! Ohhhhhhhhhh. She’s dying before our eyes.

10:03 p.m. Criminey. Casey didn’t win a single round. I think the valet station at Shinsei just got a lot busier.

10:04 p.m. Gayle dresses inappropriately for her arms.

10:11 p.m. Now we’re live. Gayle should never be on live television.

10:12 p.m. Casey is admitting that she’s had a bad challenge. She’s a good loser. Oh criminey. We’re yelling. “Please God, don’t let it be Hung.” Which probably isn’t a legitimate prayer.

10:14 p.m. Darn.

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132 comments on “Live From Midway Hollow

  1. The Stars are getting scored on a bunch, and Brian Engblom’s hair is a travesty.

    Seriously.

  2. Commercial break, Cindy. Casey went down in flames. It’s down to Hung and Dale. Show’s live now. Waiting breathlessly.

  3. I support your people too, Todd! I take back what I said before. He deserves to win b/c that was one helluva comeback.

  4. My theory? Hooter’s food tastes gross, but people go there because the girls wear their skivvies.

    Ergo, if Casey had just worn some hot pants and a tank top, she’d have won, even if her pork belly tasted like a breaded buffalo wing.

  5. Everyone’s quiet at Shinsei. Check tomorrow for the video. Casey’s still the fan favorite on bravotv.com. Why won’t the judges listen to the people?

  6. Dale will win because the other guy offered up an extra dessert but didn’t do anything to impress.

  7. Found it! BRAVO is 273 on Direct. I’d hurry. They look like they’re wrapping it up.

  8. I heart Tim (Gunn). It’s over for Casey. That makes me sad. Hung is annoying and Dale needs to give up the fauxhawk and get a fauxbeau.

  9. “Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.”

  10. That confetti pop was a little weak. Like they had $40 left in the budget and had to do something.

  11. This year’s Marcel won. At least he didn’t foam us all to death. Now on to Project Runway…

  12. Consolation prize at Gino’s on Lover’s:

    Golden Shower with a Chocolate Chaser
    (first 200 ladies only)

  13. I’m here…was watching the show. I see I missed out on commenting. I was there in spirit. Reading through the commentary now. I was right there with you on many points including:
    1) Padma is annoying, why is she on the show again?
    2) Gayle IS a “b” and I don’t think she likes other girls very much.
    3) Casey should do something to her hair, at least for the live finale.
    4) That foamy stuff looks nasty.
    5) Dale was great but I had a feeling Hung would win. Ugh.

  14. I’m here…was watching the show. I see I missed out on commenting. I was there in spirit. I was right there with you on many points including:
    1) Padma is annoying, why is she on the show again?
    2) Gayle IS a “b” and I don’t think she likes other girls very much.
    3) Casey should do something to her hair, at least for the live finale.
    4) That foamy stuff looks nasty.
    5) Dale was great but I had a feeling Hung would win. Ugh.

  15. Ditto Stephanie. (I always ditto Stephanie. Unless La Nancy’s air conditioning has cratered and the only wine at her place is a screw off bottle of Lambrusco. In which case her word is the Magna Carta.)

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