We Have A Winner

Well, sort of. What we really have is a cheater: Jason Payne from the Richards Group. The slogan was: DALLAS BLACK HAWKS HOCKEY. IT’S NOT THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN. JUST THE ROUGHEST. How great is that? Kudos to Jason for at least making the effort to find the file and kudos to Larry Sons, the man who wrote the original words. But Jason, no vino for you-o. I’m sharing it right now with an electrician and two air conditioning repair men. They’re really cute. The AC still doesn’t work and it won’t till Monday or Tuesday. It’s gonna be a restless weekend. My legs are quivering.

Stephen Colbert Heals

I am so in love with Stephen Colbert. Hopelessly, madly, deeply in love with Stephen Colbert. When he broke his wrist, I cried. I know all about wrist pain and I just couldn’t deal with Stephen having to live in pain. Naturally, when he announced his wrist awareness program and started selling his WristStrong bracelets, I was first to buy. An hour ago, UPS delivered them. I screamed with joy and scared the crap out of the air conditioning repair man broiling in my attic. Nation, these bracelets are amazing. Not only are they stylish, they work miracles. Here are some before and after pictures of my monkey paw. (Props to Paul the repair man!)

Before:

After:

Important Non-RLS-Related Question

Hate to break up whatever’s going on here, but I have a quick question: Does Eric still own this shirt?

“It” Happens

Thanks for pointing that it out to me, Eric. I’ve never watched The Simpsons and by equating me with one of the characters, you’ve managed to make me appear hip and cool in today’s market. Which I am, because I took it.

This Just In: Larry Powell Admits He Has OCD

What is in the city water supply? Thousands of Dallasites are complaining about RLS and now thousands more cry out in pain from obsessive-compulsive disorder. This from poor, afflicted Larry Powell: 

How about giving everyone a hint on that Blackhawks thing? (It will be especially kind to those of us who are obsessive/compulsive …) Thanks for plugging my blog and not plugging the Jack Russell. 

Kind? In this heat, you want me to be kind? OK, Larry. I’ll give you one clue. A big one. The slogan in question starts like this: “Dallas Black Hawk Hockey. Not…(eight more words).”  Bring it.

Tim-Stradamous

Looks like you were right about cheese migrating to the ‘burbs in your editor’s letter, Tim.

Re: Just What Is “It”?

Nancy, you probably feel like — you certainly sound like — Abe Simpson, Homer’s dad, in the Homerpalooza episode, when Barney and Homer were teenagers and Abe told them to turn down their darned rock music:

Barney: “It’s called rockin’ out!”

Homer: “You wouldn’t understand Dad. You’re not with it.”

Abe: “I used to be with it. But then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now, what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you.“

My Hockey Slogan Contest Is A Bust

People, I am so disappointed in you. So far I’ve only received ONE e-mail response to my Hockey Slogan Guessing contest. And it came from Larry Powell. And he didn’t even make a guess. He just tried to impress me by saying that he remembers the Buttpucks we sold at the games. Well, it was cold on those benches and we thought Buttpuck cushions were going to make us millions. They didn’t. Thanks for reminding me Larry. Where is that AC repair man? I am getting crabby. And more restless. I could so do this.

People Think I’m Mean

Several FrontBurnervians thought I was mean to Mattie Roberts yesterday. One reader insinuated that I was jealous of her and I “just need to get over it.” Over it? Sister, look in the mirror and tell yourself to “get over it.” Nobody “gets over it.” Even if you don’t know what “it” is, you never get over it. Lord, some people just don’t get it.

I Have Restless Blog Syndrome™

Perhaps it’s the constant blinking of the cursor on a blank computer screen. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m only 30 minutes into a your-air-conditioning-repairman-will-be-there-some-time-between-one-and-five afternoon. It could be this simple: the groundbreaking story I’m about to begin—“Five Fabulous Restaurants For Your Rehearsal Dinner™”—should have begun six weeks ago. I just don’t know for sure. What I do know is that I am restless. Really. Restless. It’s been keeping me awake all day. I hate that. We all know that procrastination is part of the creative process™, but I’m already on the other side of that. The increased sexual urges have come and gone. My bank account is dry from an all-night on-line gambling session. The only place I get relief is here. On FrontBurner™. Hitting PUBLISH like a crack addict with a new pipe. Crack? That sounds like a good idea. Later.

Re: Hospital Blog Rumble

A byte-stained publishing wretch of an FBvian has some experience with people demanding the identities of bloggers and Internet posters.

Anon folks have been sued before based on their Internet activity. A vendor I cover in the trades sued anonymous message board posters on my Website back in 2005. Link. They asked me to reveal the names of the posters. Oh, how we laughed and laughed. The case was dropped in March ‘06.

Demanding in a lawsuit is one thing, of course. A court order is another. His didn’t come to that. But there was a notable point made in the story he links.

One thing a lawsuit mentioning a media company won’t do, experts say, is lessen the amount of attention such message board posts are likely to generate. “It seems sure to backfire if the intention was to silence their critics,” says Jeff Ferrell, professor of criminal justice at TCU.

Good point. It certainly won’t keep people from linking to blogs like the one in Paris that’s the target of this lawsuit. Right here. This one. Click.

Viva A Paris Closing - Big Sale

Just got a message from owner of Viva A Paris in Preston Center, over across from Taco Diner. It’s a great little boutique the wife just loves. The owner has sold the store and he’s liquidating. His words? In a sexy French accent:

You can make out like a bandit.

Préparez, allez!

RE: Stars Billboard Suggestion

A hundred and fifty years ago I worked for the Dallas Black Hawks hockey team. We worked and played at the State Fair Livestock Coliseum, a building we fondly referred to as “the blue modern.” Anywhoo, this Stars campaign got me to thinking about some of the tricks we had to pull to put butts in the seats. Ten-cent beer night always pulled in at least 7,000 drunks but Hockey Bingo never emerged as the sexy promotion we imagined it to be. We were young, restless, and bored. That was until my boss, Mr. Eric Nadel, now the veteran voice of the Texas Rangers, picked up the phone and called the Richards Group. They were also young, restless, and bored. They came up with a nifty TV campaign and a slogan that won lots of awards. It is the perfect tag line for hockey in Dallas. I’ve got a bottle of wine on my desk for anyone out there that remembers it. And Dallas Stars management, I’ll share it with you for about $20,000 plus points. BTW, Google will not help you and I’m sure nobody at the Richards Group has a clue. But I still have evidence. On your mark, get set, charge.

Virginia Postrel Reveals She Has Cancer

Until recently, Virginia lived in Dallas. When she wasn’t busy (which was nearly always), she sometimes contributed to D. Those who know her also know that the city lost a bright mind when she moved back to Los Angeles. And those who know her will want to hold a thought for her, as she announced yesterday that she starts chemo for breast cancer next Friday.

Re: Dallas Stars Billboard Suggestion

He’s rich, handsome, and his wife is hot. Isn’t it about time you saw someone punch him in the face?

Or just go with this headline from The Onion: Mike Modano: Is He the Tom Brady of Whatever It is That He Does?

RE: Twins At School

A dashing FBvian thinks he knows why so many twins are sprouting:

It’s a function of our growing infertility problem. The infertility rate of our demographic now exceeds 25% (delayed childbirth, precipitously diminishing sperm count in males due to environmental factors). Infertility treatments are expensive (about $18,000 to $25,000 per cycle). Rarely do infertile couples conceive on the first or second or even third cycle. As a result, doctors generally implant as many high-grade embryos as they can (generally three or four), because even with multiple embryos, the cycle can produce a goose egg (so to speak). Also, infertile couples generally express their preference for twins, as it reduces the cost per conception. (It’s not unusual for a couple to have $50,000 to $75,000 invested in getting one child.)

Free Speech, Privacy Showdown in East Texas Hospital Blog Rumble

A defamation lawsuit by a hospital in Paris, Texas, against an anonymous blogger could set precedent for the limits of privacy on the Internets in Texas. A state district judge plans to tell a Dallas-based ISP to turn over the name of the anonymous blogger who has been critical of Paris Regional Medical Center. At question is whether a someone can strip a blogger of anonymity simply by filing a lawsuit (whether the suit has merit or not), which when you think about it would throw cold water on free speech on the Internet. There’s not much in Texas case law on what the standard should be.

As the blogger’s attorney, James Rodgers puts it, “Anybody could file a lawsuit and say, ‘I feel like I’ve been defamed. Give me the name.”

The other question is, if the blogger’s appeals fail, will the Dallas ISP ranch up and defy the court order, as some ISPs in other jurisdictions have?

Re: Twins At School

Just catching up on my newspaper reading — how do they stack up so fast? — and realized that the good strong reporters at Park Cities People, the hardest-working minions within the D Empire, had already uncovered an even more impressive assortment of twins: 18 sets of them at Armstrong Elementary in HP.

Elliott Smith Shrine Vandalized

Fans of the locally born and (sort of) raised singer-songwriter will no doubt be saddened by news that the wall featured on the cover of his album Figure 8, on which many a sad tribute message had been scrawled since Smith’s death, has been defaced. And poorly. (Note: If you venture into the comments on that link, let’s just say some people like to work a little blue.)

Kid Nation Must Be Kidding

If you saw this “news report” on CBS 11-KTVT about kids at a Mesquite high school watching the premiere of Kid Nation on CBS (hey, what a coinky-dink) and wondered if it was more of a promotional segment than journalism, Ed Bark agrees with you. Me? I chose not to watch the show and vow never to do so. Ever. I will, on the other hand, continue to read one of my fave bloggers’ minute-by-minute recaps, should he decide to continue doing it. Warning: Gabriel Delahaye’s live-blogging of Kid Nation on the Huffington Post isn’t so kid-friendly. But funny.

Re: Fiver Makeover

Pfft. I’m not buying the cover story for a minute. The new bills are just easier for Echelon to track.

“Professor” Paul Kix’s Master Lock® Lock of the Week

Saturday, 8 p.m., Florida Atlantic at North Texas. “Professor” Paul, who ya got?

Easy. I’m still in love with Todd Dodge. UNT by 14.

You heard it here, folks. We’ll be right back with more George Michael’s Sports Machine.

Re: Fiver Gets a Makeover

Funny you should mention this, Adam, because I actually had a new $100/old $5 passed to me about six or seven months ago. After clearing some space in my CD collection, I took a box of old discs to a local used CD store, and pocketed the bill in question in return. It felt a little funny, but I thought nothing of it until I took it to my neighborhood WaMu branch to have it broken into smaller denominations. The teller looked at the bill and me fairly suspiciously, then took it to her manager.

He acted on my Catholic guilt and by the end of his interrogation, I was ready to turn myself in to the authorities. Fortunately, all that happened was he kept the bill, which by law he had to do. And the folks at the used CD store were nice enough to give me some real cheddar when I stopped back by. Though they were a bit suspicious, too. It might have been because I kept rubbing my nose and discussing a recent trip to South America.

Fiver Gets a Makeover

Next week, the Fort Worth facility of the government’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing will be the first to start rolling out the newly designed five-dollar bills, joining the lineup of new $100, $50, $20, and $10 pieces of cash. As you can see at left, some designer’s funny prank of putting purple on the back of the bill made it to the final edition. As this story states, the $5 bill wasn’t originally part of the monetary makeover, but security demanded it. Apparently, counterfeiters were bleaching the $5 bills and turning them into $100 ones because they share security features. (Thanks for telling me that now.)

Pride and Prejudice

I followed Glenn Arbery’s advice and went to see Pride and Prejudice last night at the DTC. Fortunately for me and the rest of the audience, Jessica Turner was playing the lead role of Elizabeth Bennett. I don’t know if she’s playing it tonight or over the weekend (the run ends on Sunday), but take your chances and go see it. Barbara Broughton as the mother of the Bennett girls is alone worth the price of admission. Ms. Turner, though, was made for the lead role.

Friday Fun

It’s Friday. You want the Fun? Very well then. I bring you IndestructoTank. You control a tank that is nominally indestructible. (If you run out of fuel, it’s game over.) The goal is to get bombed by helicopters and planes and such, launching you into the air and blowing them up in return. It’s like jujitsu or aikido or whichever one it is that uses your opponents attacks against him — only IndestructoTank isn’t that complicated. Enjoy.

Dallas Stars Billboad Suggestion

Ooh. Better idea for the contest. This picture of Eddie Belfour with the quote from Old School running underneath:

Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!

Leading Off

1. A Plano couple had a harrowing afternoon when they surprised three burglars. People in the burbs, please move back to Dallas, where it’s safe.

2. What the heck is going on at Hatfield Elementary in north Forth Worth? Out of 700 students, they have 15 sets of twins.

3. The Dallas Stars are asking for help in writing billboards. Um, lessee … how about we go with the Shakespeare quote across the billboard’s bottom: “It is not in the Stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” For the image: a picture of Mike Modano and Willa Ford, naked, making out. I’m still workshoping it.