O.J. Highlights

A masochistic FBvian reports:

The highlights….I guess, of the OJ interview:

• OJ Simpson is a Joel Osteen fan.
• He also says he’s “computer illiterate,” and doesn’t see the websites about him.
• He’s enjoying his digs in Florida. He takes a designated driver when he drinks, “because I don’t want to be a Paris Hilton or a Lindsay Lohan.” (Question: How bad does this make Paris and Lindsay, if OJ says he doesn’t want to be them?) Murmur.
• Michael Jackson was “totally there for my kids” during the whole trial. MUR-mur.
• He quoted Thomas Jefferson, “A person who doesn’t read the news is better informed than one who does, something something something something.”
• There were also several prank callers, including one who made a reference, I believe, to masturbation.
• He’s also apparently going to be on tomorrow to talk about the trial, and to dish on Kato Kaelin.

You Think So, Doctor?

I have one slight problem with this report from the Star-T today. Since the bill in question seeks to remove the threat of chlorine gas leaks that would put several million folks in harm’s way, I think that’s more than enough to eliminate the “may” from the headline. No need to hedge your bets, gang.

No More Rangers Talk … After This

It looks like Rangers GM Jon Daniels may have actually pulled off a decent little trade when he sent Eric Gagne to the Red Sox just before today’s deadline. The headliner of the package coming to the Rangers is, theoretically, Kason Gabbard since 1) he’s a pitcher and 2) he’s already had a few big-league starts. But forget about him and his emo-band name; according to Red Sox Prospects, his closest MLB comparison is … Pete Schourek. I’ll save you the trouble of looking the name up. He couldn’t be more of a spare if his home was in the trunk of a car.

But the other two players, outfielders Engel Beltre and David Murphy, are what scouts like to refer to as “highly touted.” Short version: Beltre looks like Sammy Sosa before he got jacked up and forgot English, and he’s only 17. Murphy, on the other hand, is a former first-round pick out of Baylor and should be ready for The Show this year.

Company to Loan Holders: Your Check Will Not Be In The Mail

American Home Mortgage, based in Irving, couldn’t be happy with the following sentence from this story:

American Home Mortgage Investment Corp. shares plunged 90 percent after the lender said it doesn’t have cash to fund new loans, stranding thousands of home buyers and putting the company on the brink of failure.

Then again, I’m not a business guy. Maybe this is just a “restructuring.”

Update: Not based in Irving. Based in New York. The servicing center is in Irving.

Thank Goodness Tex Is So Self-Absorbed

Because if he wasn’t, as Evan Grant reports, he might have taken the insane offer Tom Hicks said he made to him two weeks ago: $140 million for eight seasons. I might never have watched another Rangers game.

Also, thank goodness C.J. Wilson wasn’t part of the deal. Not only does he offer an extensive breakdown of the trade on his blog, he also notes that Jessica Alba is reportedly a free agent.

Garland, Rowlett, Heath: Duck!

One Person Who Won’t Be At The O.J. Interview

From a loyal FBvian:

Kate Delaney stiffed me for two tickets to dinner at some North Dallas steakhouse, tickets I won in a call-in question when she was “Sports Princes” on The Ticket. I’d run over to the studio to confront her but your O.J. heads up made me reconsider.

Esquire Takes On To Catch A Predator

Luke Dittrich goes deep into the story of Bill Conradt, the former Kaufman County DA who offed himself after NBC’s To Catch A Predator attempted sting operation. I’ve only read the first three paragraphs, but I wanted to post a link to it before I read the whole thing and inadvertently give away even more of the story.

I’m Just Going to Assume I’ve Used at Least 70 of Them

I won’t pretend to understand all the figures and measurements and so on in this report that more than 100 Texas gas pumps are giving consumers less gas than they paid for. (In a related story, so is Taco Cabana. What, no rim shot? Nothing?) All I know is this: I want my money back, and I want it in cash. Dollars, pesos, whatever.

About Lane Garrison’s Public Service Announcement

Don’t let Paul’s modesty fool anyone. He’s really, really busy. Anyway, I believe Lane’s PSA. The reenactment might be a little over the top, but he already knows he’s going to be serving time, and I highly doubt this would affect his sentencing any, considering he’s been nothing but cooperative and remorseful since it happened.

[Why Do I Feel Creepy Just Having Typed This?]

Because you failed to properly refer to Simpson as “acquitted double murderer O.J. Simpson” and you didn’t include a danger advisory to any blond women and metrosexual waiters who may be in the area?

O.J. To “Tell His Story” In … Dallas?

MN1, a little-known start-up Net network from Dallas that usually covers the stock market bottom-feeders (microcap stocks trading on the pink sheets…you know, that sorta stuff), says it will have a live interview today with with O.J. Simpson at 5 p.m. Who is the interviewer? Kate Delaney, the former Sports Princess at The Ticket and a longtime radio journalist in town. The first 30 minutes are scripted questions, and the last 30 minutes he will supposedly take calls and e-mail questions. Anyway, just got off the phone with Mike Gould from MN1, and he says, yes, Simpson will be in studio.

[Why do I feel creepy just having typed this?]

I’m Proud My Wife is a UT Grad

Because today researchers have assembled their research, after conducting over 2,000 interviews, as to why people have sex. There are 237 reasons, it turns out, and they include:

I wanted to feel closer to God.

I was drunk.

I wanted to get rid of a headache. [Ed. note: very interesting, that finding.]

I wanted to make my partner feel powerful.

I wanted to return a favor.

I wanted to hurt an enemy.

I wanted to change the topic of conversation.

Bravo, University of Texas. Bravo.

Is Eric Gagne The Next Ranger To Be Traded?

And, good heavens, speaking of unflattering photos.

Anyway (fighting through the shock of realizing Gagne has morphed into a pre-Subway Jared with longer hair), Jayson Stark says it’s looking more and more that Rangers may not be done dealing.

Open Letter to D Magazine Staff and FB Nation

I quit, effective immediately.

Any and all inquiries should be made to the man in the photo. His name is Eric Celeste, and he’s the managing editor.

No funeral.

Make This Happen, Jon Daniels

I went to the Atlanta Journal Constitution’s Web site this morning to see how the locals were reacting to the Mark Teixeira trade. Did they feel they gave up on Jarrod Saltalamacchia too soon? Were they prepared to deal with the Baseball Antichrist? Had Tex already thrown his new teammates under the bus?

Then I was distracted by something on the AJC site. One question: Any chance the Rangers can get Louis Bell thrown into the deal?

Welcome, Failed Mayoral Candidate

Ladies and gentlemen, as some of you may have realized, Zac Crain is now on board as Senior Editor. His bio will soon be on the blogger’s page, as we’re apparently having difficulty making the Internet work right this morning.

As for the photo at left, Zac, I had this discussion yesterday with Dallas CEO’s Jessica Jones: Men, you always want photos taken from above. Not from straight on, and certainly not from below, where you risk having your turkey waddle overtake the lens. (Unless you’re Tim and worried about your growing bald patch.) You just look better. For example, see the more representative shot of Zac I’ve posted after the jump.

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Turns Out $37.2 Billion Is A Lot Of Money … But Not Too Much

A communicating-FrontBurnervian from TXU passed along a Squawk Box transcript from this morning, with CNBC’s David Faber dispelling the rumor of Citi’s cold feet. Said transcript is after the jump.

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Lay Off Deborah Watkins

So says Dallas Progress’ Michael Davis on his blog, regarding the protracted signature examination process that eventually rewarded TrinityVote’s efforts. Davis, part of the TrinityVote team, asks one very simple, very relevant question: “What’s the problem with making sure that the signatures are OK?”

As someone who has dealt with the city secretary’s office in the recent past on a very similar issue, I have to agree. Watkins and her team have a difficult job, made no easier by people’s impatience and (more directly) their uniformly awful penmanship. Seriously people. I at least have an excuse: My parents raised a lefty to be righthanded.

Dodd Leaving Journalism — And Adopting

So practicing the kind of reactive reporting we’re famous for on FrontBurner, yesterday I offered the uninformed speculation that perhaps Sarah Dodd’s departure from CBS 11 may have had something to do with Ginger Allen getting the morning anchor gig alongside Scott Sams. Well, emphasis on uninformed.

I talked to Sarah this morning — first time since December last year; she’s mostly forgiven me for this – and she tells me didn’t even audition for the morning co-anchor job, and she resigned a full two weeks before the Allen announcement. Mea culpa.

Also, she let me know she’s pretty much done with the business. After she and her mister get back from vacation, she’s going to chart a new course away from journalism, public relations and all the rest. It just doesn’t hold the thrill for her it used to, she said, but she wouldn’t say specifically what her future might hold. (She’s not, as Eric likewise blindly speculated, under a non-compete). Though she did mention the word “politics” in what held her interest.

Oh, and breaking news here, she and Chief Kunkle — coming up on almost nine months of marriage — are adding one to the household. Jump for the details.

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Lane Garrison’s Public Service Announcement

Jessica is our resident Lane Garrison correspondent, but she’s shipping a magazine (like I’m not) and can’t be bothered with FB. Anyway, for those that don’t follow Hollywood minutia, or don’t read FrontBurner daily, Lane is the former Prison Break star and friend of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. He pleaded guilty to manslaughter charges in May after he killed a 17-year-old while driving drunk in Hollywood. This is his public service announcement. He’s either really sincere or we are witnessing, dear readers, the greatest acting performance of his life. The cynic in me thinks the latter. Garrison’s sentencing is next month.

Turns Out $37.2 Billion Is A Lot Of Money

The underwriting banks for the TXU buyout are thinking about ditching the deal, paying a $1 billion break-up fee, rather than be on the hook for $3.7 billion later. (That latter figure courtesy of the back-of-the-envelop work at Dealbreaker.) The deal will still likely go through, though. At least, that’s what I’ve read. Or rather, that’s what I was able to understand from what I read.

Sexiest Bartender in Dallas

I won’t pretend to know. Sure, I’ve got some contenders in mind (Kelly at the Corner Bar, I’m thinking of you … lots). But I’m no Sexy Bartender Picking Professional, which is why I’ll defer to Spike TV. The guy-riffic TV station and Web site is determined to find the sexiest bartender in Dallas (and Chicago and Phoenix). Eight finalists from these parts will gather at Public House on Greenville this Friday. Online voting will then begin in mid-August. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

What…The…Hell…Just…Happened?

Uh.

Umm.

Excuse me?

Did this guy just post something on FrontBurner? Have we been hacked? This isn’t Russia, is this Russia?

No KG for Mavs, Cubes

So says the great Marc Stein. He’s going to Boston, which will make my brother, Bill Simmons, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and thousands of guys named Sully very happy.

As for the Mavs, they would have given up too much for Garnett anyway. That’s what I’m telling myself, at least. Then again, I also told myself the Mavs would bounce back against Golden State until two minutes were left in the fourth quarter of Game Six.