WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING

A party-going FrontBurnervian passes along some fashion advice to bubble-dress-wearing ladies, not to mention some etiquette advice to bad-guess-making servers:

Last night at the BMW Classic launch party, a couple of thousand (give or take a thousand) showed up to party. Unfortunately, the Fashion Police were not on hand to straighten out a server. It seems that one lovely guest wore the trendy new “bubble” dress. She looked quite smashing, don’t you know. Upon arrival she saw a server with wine and inquired if she could get a glass of vino. Bubble babe was denied “because of your condition.” She was then admonished by the server that women who are expecting should not drink. She agreed that pregnant women should not drink but she was not expecting and would like some wine. The server walked away. The rest of the evening, neither she nor her date could get the attention of anyone serving wine. Suggestion: Lovelies in bubble dresses need to bring pregnancy tests with them to prove that they don’t have a “condition.”

Reminds me of a funny bit by Brian Regan. Those who know, know.

UH OH, TO-RO

Ted Casablancas told us this was coming…

RE: WHITHER THE LINEN GALLERY

An inside-friend-having FrontBurnervian has a hot sports opinion about what happened at/to the Linen Gallery:

The skinny — The original owner sold the LG to a couple (of [redacted]) from Pittsburg, PA.. They let all the girls that worked there go eventually, and not in a nice way. The woman, new owner, had no taste and apparently, no money. They didn’t pay the vendors nor did they pay the rent. They took orders from customers and didn’t place the orders and kept the money. They also bought one of the premier linen stores in Houston in the Galleria and did the same and it is closed. The merchandise is already being sold in an undisclosed location. And with any luck, they have left town on a rail. The good news is the buyer for the original LG is now going to be working/buying at a new linen store on Lovers Lane.

Mind you, that’s all allegedly. As nice and seemingly reliable as the FrontBurnervian who sent it to me is, one must watch one’s words so as one does not get sued.

RE: COFFEE CRIMINAL

Jeremy Don Irvin likes his coffee pipin’-hot. He’s been identified as the lead suspect in the spate of coffee robberies. Go get him, boys.

SO LONG, SAMIR

It’s official. Samir Patel is out of the competition. A bee-cheering FrontBurnervian has pledged allegiance to Amy Chyao:

Regardless of whether she’s the DMN rep. Here’s the word *she* got right this round: “drepanocytosis.” Seriously, isn’t that the equiv of a quintuple lutz or something? Whew!

It’s a valid reason, but she can never dream of filling the Samir-shaped hole in my heart.

RE: SO, LIKE, THAT’S UPTOWN?

The votes are in and it’s 8-0 that the DO office at Maple and Oak Lawn ain’t part of Uptown. It’s in Oak Lawn. Deal with it. Lots of detailed and passionate explanations, but this one cuts to the chase:

The DO is in Uptown as much as Medieval Times is in the West Village. Seriously, how can we make this happen?

CBS 11 GETS DUCASED

Not content to out-evil the Evil News Channel (5), CBS 11 (now officially the Eviler News Channel) is said to be also about to eat its young, or, more probably, old. Thanks, Regent Ducas. Nice having you in town.

ATTN: JUDGES AT THE SPELLING BEE. DO NOT TEASE ME.

Ed Bark (you know … Uncle Barky) instills hope that Samir might not be out of it just yet:

He may not be down yet, Adam. It’s under appeal. Very weird that they would do an instant replay on a spelling bee. Trying to figure out if the word was correctly pronounced to him.

If the judges choose to cheat in Samir’s favor, knowing he’d be a huge draw for prime time tonight, I say, “Close enough.”

TRIBUTE FOR TENOR

I’m a few days late on this, but it’s worth mentioning that the Dallas Opera awarded Brit Christopher Ventris its 2007 Maria Callas Debut Artist of the Year Award. I had the pleasure of seeing him perform in Lohengrin in February and think this honor is well-deserved. Even after listening to four and a half hours of singing (in German, no less), he left me wanting more. [Sigh.]

WHITHER THE LINEN GALLERY?

Meant to post yesterday: A matronly FrontBurnervian just got back from running some errands when I had called her. She said her favorite linen store, The Linen Gallery, was gone. Empty. Nuthin’. According to a couple of people nearby, the bank foreclosed on it and there will be an online auction for everything that was in the store. I don’t know about that, but I do know that I just called. Answering machine says they’re closed for Easter and will be open again April 16. Guess not.

WHERE WE ARE

Deadline. Posting light from certain quarters today. Every time you see Tim’s name on a post, rest assured I will be yelling at him.

SAMIR GOES DOWN! SAMIR GOES DOWN!

I don’t know what to say. Samir Patel, a favorite to win the whole shebang, is out in the fifth round — done in by “clevis,” a U-shaped or forked metal connector. Samir spelled it “c-l-e-v-i-c-e.” Which is allegedly and apparently wrong.

I’m at a loss.

Go, Amy Chyao. (I guess.)

SO, LIKE, THAT’S UPTOWN?

Okay, I’m wasting my morning reading Unfair Pork once again, speed-reading, really, but this phrase from Fingers of Fury caught my eye:

Some of us likely know we used to call home the former KLIF-AM studios on Commerce Street and Central Expressway, till our former publisher decided, ya know, a sterile Uptown high-rise….

Yeah, the old KLIF space was fantastic, and I’ll bet the DO hasn’t been the same since it moved, but is the new abode of the New Times chain paper — on the Maple side of the corner of Maple and Oak Lawn — really “Uptown?” I’ll admit that I rank the marketing label “Uptown” right there along with “Metroplex,” but even so, I would think Uptown has to at least stop at Oak Lawn, if not maybe the west side of Turtle Creek? Any neighborhood-savvy FBvians want to help the DO describe its position in the urban geography? And be nice. I say it’s Oak Lawn, not Uptown.

COFFEE CRIMINALS

Seems there’s a bit of a coffee crime wave going on, and (for once) I’m not talking about the people in this office who refuse to replenish empty pots. Three times in the past week, a robber has gone to a convenience store or gas station, filled up a cup of coffee, then thrown that coffee in the cashier’s face and dashed with the cash. Please, citizens, help the police catch this guy (or guys) before convenience stores preemptively turn down the heat on my morning java.