OPEN LETTER TO THE COLOSSAL JACKASS WHO VANDALIZED MY CAR LAST NIGHT AT THE AAC
[waiting for insurance adjuster to call, steam coming out of ears] Dammit, let’s jump.Dear Colossal Jackass,
Great game last night. Thanks to a certain Fort Worth-based alliterative airline, My Fair Lady and I got to watch it in style. Definitely worth the baby-sitter. Do you have children?
So we were leaving around 11 o’clock, talking about how much our son is going to love the Dirk-for-MVP t-shirt, when we reached our car in parking lot F. My Fair Lady got out the keys to drive (yrs trly having consumed a responsible though statistically significant number of adult beverages). Then suddenly she made a noise like “Orlfhhhg.” I looked at her and saw that she was staring at the roof of the car.
Colossal Jackass, what the hell did you do to my car? Did you walk across the roof? Did you Fosbury flop on it? Did you lift your girlfriend up so she could sit on it? Because that’s the way it looks. The roof is dented so badly that you can see the damage from inside the car. The depression you left is so deep that, standing outside, you can look under the closed sun roof.
What went through your head when you saw what you’d done to my car (however you did it)? Was it: “Hey, check out that monster dent! That’s awesome!”? Or was it: “Oh, man. I screwed up. Quick, let’s get out of here!”? Did you feel remorse, Colossal Jackass?
Anyway, My Fair Lady and I spent some quality time together in parking lot F, filing a police report, filing a claim with our insurance company, bitching at each other for no good reason because we were both upset by the damage you caused to the car. And now, this morning, I’m hoping it doesn’t rain before I can get the car to the shop, because, again, the dent is so deep that rainwater would come right in through the sun roof, even though it’s closed. I’m wondering how long the shop will need to keep the car and how I’ll get around in the interim. And I’m looking forward to paying my $500 deductible!
So thanks for a great night, Colossal Jackass. Really enjoyed it. In closing, I hope you get cancer.
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