NOW THAT’S DEDICATION

Despite some very miserable weather—yes, I know, we needed the rain—our girl about town, 6-year-old in tow, trekked to Fort Worth on Saturday. She started at the Kimbell, to see “Gauguin and Impressionism.” Then it was off to Casa Manana for the Emperor’s New Clothes. Thanks, Jenny. While you were out there getting some culture, most of us were in bed, watching—wait for it—Law & Order on Tivo.
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RE: SAUCY SCOFFLAW

A loyal, right-wing FBvian reports from the field:

Attended the Dallas Pachyderms Club meeting today for the Republican DA Candidates Forum. Big crowd. But the buzz from the crowd at Eddie Deen’s restaurant didn’t come from the DA candidates. Amir Omar, when it was his time to introduce himself, stood up, showed a bottle of his BBQ sauce, and acknowledged Eddie Deen’s generous contribution. A few minutes later, when it was Wilson Aurbach’s turn, he introduced himself, and said that he “wasn’t trying to buy anyone’s vote.” VERY tacky to break Ronald Reagan’s 11th Commandment (though shalt not speak ill of a fellow Republican). More than one person said that they would specifically NOT vote for Aurbach as a result.

RE: GO MAVS

A Mavs-dancer-watcher reassures me that I’m not going crazy:

I think the ribbons were on their big toes, but yeah, there were definitely red ribbons on the dancers (I work with the team and hang out with the dancers in the tunnel before they go on.)

Maybe the ribbon was a reminder about which foot was their right foot.

RE: GO MAVS

An entertained FrontBurnervian went to the Mavs game and points out something I forgot to:

I also attended last night’s Mavs game. What was going on with the ’80s theme for the Mavs dancers… “Footloose” AND “It Takes Two”? That struck me as a bit odd… usually they’re more contemporary with their musical choices.

True dat. Also, during one of their numbers, the girls wore rolled-up jeans, cropped black tees, and their hair in pigtails. And they were barefoot. But it looked like each dancer had a red ribbon tied to their second-in-command toe on their left foot. Anyone else see that?

TIM IS A REGULAR CUT-UP

A media-savvy FrontBurnervian shares his thoughts about Tim’s latest “D on 11″ spot. Watch it, and decide what’s the worst part. Is it Tim in his typical on-camera attire (suit with no tie)? Is it Tim’s inability to find anyone to agree with his theory that one person should buy up all of Deep Ellum? Or is it the part where Tim tries to get a comment from a wall? The media-savvy FrontBurnervian has his own theory about the worst part, but the true answer is revealed after the jump.
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SHE SEES LONDON. SHE SEES FRANCE …

Jenny sees someone’s underpants! Well, sort of. Our girl about town, Jenny Block, was a busy girl this weekend. Her whirlwind of activities began on Friday night, when she saw The Underpants at SMU. Check it out:
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RE: SAUCY SCOFFLAW

I’m hearing from a couple FBvians who have been sauced. Says one:

I got one of those BBQ jars, left to its own devices on my front doorstep. Now, say I’m paranoid, but, even with a protective wrapper on the bottleneck, I’m wary of food left on my front doorstep. Not a brilliant move. And why is Eddie Deen on board with all this?

He’s not the only one who is paranoid. Web Mayfield’s wife is from Northern Ireland. So here’s how he handled his free sauce. And, yes, somehow Eddie Deen is involved.

FURTHER PROOF I’M A PIG

One of the pioneers of birth control says he could make a male pill pretty easily. He hasn’t though because there’s no market for it.

“The problem is that men are afraid to lose their virility,” the pioneer says. “Even if taking a pill carries only a remote chance of impotence, they won’t take the chance.”

I agree, my good man. Just don’t tell my girlfriend.

GO MAVS

A generous FrontBurnervian (who happens to be also a generous friend) took me to the Mavericks-Sixers game last night at the American Airlines Center. You may have heard: the Mavs won. I had some other observations.
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WHY THE PREVIOUS POST DOESN’T BOTHER BELO IN THE LEAST

Faithful readers of FrontBurner will remember two previous posts by Wick and me wherein we report that while paid circulation at DMN declined by 7 percent in the latest audit, ad revenue grew by 6.4 percent. Translation: we give you less, you give us more! Lots of back-slapping in the DMN executive suite, but the real Employees of the Year are DMN’s promotional dept., who dreamed up the “Live Better Here” smokescreen that purports to give readers more, while actually taking away. Brilliant! Cigars for everyone!

NEIGHBORS ON DEATH WATCH

DMN’s experiment in “citizen journalism” (read: we’re too cheap to cover local communities, so you do it for us) is showing signs of flatlining. Badly conceived from the start, the weekly tabloids aimed at serving 16 different “neighborhoods” — I use quotations here because under the DMN’s creative use of the English language, “neighbors” are people who live as many as 15 miles apart — have spent more time lying unread in parkways and gutters than on the breakfast tables of upscale Dallasites in the target communities. Advertising has been woeful; in the last issue of the Park Cities edition, there was only one page of display advertising in a 28-page tab. That’s a recipe for disaster, and no doubt DMN accountants have already moved the project to DEFCON 4. You simply cannot afford to publish a TMC (total market coverage) product like this without at least 40 percent advertising and Neighbors is nowhere near that number. Under the guidance of DMN’s young editor Jason Heid (full disclosure: Jason is a former People Newspapers managing editor, and God help us, we still like him), the Neighbors sections are looking much better and are full of photos of kids doing what kids do, a proven formula for attracting moms. The problem is, there’s no meat on the bone (real reporting), just dessert, and that means no response for advertisers. If ad sales don’t dramatically increase this spring, expect to see DMN face reality and pull the plug — quietly, oh so quietly — on all under-performing Neighbors editions this summer.

AMIR OMAR: THE SAUCY SCOFFLAW

Yesterday we told you about Republican Congressional candidate Amir Omar’s illegal barbecue sauce. Shocking stuff. Today comes news from his opponent’s camp that Omar has a checkered past:

This does not appear to be the first time that Mr. Omar has run afoul of the law. He was convicted in 1994 for theft in Brazos County, Texas, a crime for which he plead guilty and was sentenced to a monetary fine, 270 days in jail, and 80 hours of community service. Omar’s sentence was later probated. Omar’s criminal history combined with his legally questionable gifts-for-votes scheme and his lack of any voting record would seem to make him an easy target for the Democrats in the Fall.

All of which makes me wonder about how the DMN conducts background checks. You’ll remember that the paper endorsed Omar. It also endorsed Democratic candidate Tom Malin, a former male prostitute. In explaining the latter move, editorial page editor Keven Ann Willey said the paper does do background checks before it issues endorsements. So, um, WTF?

Update: I had a conversation with Amir on April 3. He sounded like a nice fellow. More importantly, though, he explained the deal in Brazos County. Given Google’s long memory he asked that I clear something up. Amir bounced a check in college. He kept his nose clean for a while, did a little community service, and received deferred adjudication. He was never convicted, never served time in jail.

THE KINKY REPORT

This morning, Kinky Friedman spoke at Richland College. The occasion was the school’s annual literary festival. A FBvian was in the house and sends the following report:
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SMOKIN’ JOE IS ANGRY AT AN OIL COMPANY

Joe Barton is mad at Big Oil. Not really Big Oil, like ExxonMobil or Chevron. More like Biggish Oil Citgo. Why? Because they’re discounting heating oil to low-income people in the northeast. Go get ‘em, Joe.

ADRIEN BRODY

Famous for his oscar-winning performance in The Pianist as well as his infamous Halle Berry smooch, Adrian Brody was in town this weekend. Todd Wagner (who by the way is up for an Oscar himself for producing Good Night, And Good Luck) and lawyer Steve Stodgehill took him to Hibiscus for dinner and then they hit Candle Room. Seated in the VIP section, Brody ordered several bottles of Cristal (which he generously shared) and was surrounded by wishful women vying for the slender actor’s attention. Saturday it was on to a Mavs game and then back to Candle Room (and a few more bottles of Cristal). Word is Brody is starring in a Wagner/Cuban production. Candle Room is the place for star spotting as Wagner often brings his celeb friends through town and frequents the club (he’s an investor).

ONE-TRIP SALAD BAR

Some Taiwanese students have devised a way to make the most of the salad bar at their local franchise of Dallas-based Pizza Hut. Check it out.

DALLAS LIKES BIG BUTTS AND WE CANNOT LIE

Andrew Stevens, an actor-producer who once had a recurring role on Dallas, was apparently so taken with our fair city while filming the show that he has moved his family from L.A. to U.P. As he told the Dallas Business Journal, he plans to produce six independent films in North Texas this year, each with budgets of up to $15 million.

Stevens says Texas could become a hotbed for moviemaking. The prospect of state subsidies in addition to the existing sales tax incentive, plus Texas’ general lack of unions, set that stage, he said.

“I’m not here for just me,” Stevens said. “I could influence people to come here in droves.”

We don’t doubt that he’s in the right influential circles after checking out his résumé, which includes heavy-hitters like Illicit Dreams, Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III, and Night Eyes 1 through 4. Not ringing a bell? Perhaps you’re more familiar with the work he did under his alias, Hugh Janus.

ATTN: HORSE FANS/AMATEUR SINGERS

The only thing preventing me from titling this post “Oh Say, Can You Sing?” is that this press release beat me to it. Lone Star Park is holding auditions for those of you who can carry a tune–specifically the National Anthem–and wish to carry it in Grand Prairie during the racing season.

HOW BIG A BOND ISSUE?

Yesterday morning City Manager Mary Suhm was leaving as Allisonette #3 and I were entering Lucky’s–where the Elite Meet to Eat–and then we ran smack dab into City Councilman Ed Oakley. What had they been chewing besides the food? How to fit all the infrastructure projects Dallas needs into a $1.3 billion bond issue. He didn’t ask for my opinion but–surprise!–I gave it. If you need more money, go for it. Dallas wants this city fixed.

SAM JOHNSON WILL SIC THE IRS ON YOU

A politically minded FrontBurnervian says we’re overlooking the big news of the day:

While you all are funning over George Michael’s substance abuse problems, is it possible you didn’t get around to the story on p. A3 of today’s WashPost, in which Plano Congressman Sam Johnson is shown to be doing the heavy lifting for Tom DeLay, getting an innocent Texas public interest organization audited by the IRS in
what can only be intimidation?

Indeed. And I’m sure the Morning News will run a scathing story about all this tomorrow.

RE: GEORGE MICHAEL

The former pop star has issued a statement about his drug arrest. In it, he is candid and frank, and he admits it was “[his] own stupid fault, as usual.”

Just like “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.”

ROLLING STONE MOSTLY APPRECIATES RHETT MILLER

The mag says he’s an “underrated songwriter” and his second solo album, “The Believer,” recorded while the Old 97’s take a break, is a graceful arrangement of “ace tunes.” But it is, alas, somewhat conventional. RS gives it three-and-a-half stars.

RE: THANK YOU DALLAS DRINKERS

Last post about beer today, promise.

A FBvian who saw the write-up Friday had her own experience with Heineken Light over the weekend:

Heineken Premium Light made moving day (last Friday) and dealing with my mother’s incessant unpacking and arrangement advice much, much easier to bear (and with fewer calories involved too!). A good piece of advice: always pack the bottle opener in the first box you plan to open. That I figured out the hard way.

Shameless plug for a Dutch beer to end…

here.

CUBAN HAS A RUBBER GLOVE FETISH

A real-estate-deal-making FrontBurnervian alerts us to Mark Cuban’s most recent stunt. Cubes wants Howie Mandel to get The Donald to do that rubber-glove-on-the-head trick during The Donald’s appearance on Deal or No Deal. If Howie gets him to do it, Cuban will donate $1 million to the charity of Howie’s choice. I doubt it’s enough.

THE BRIDE WORE WHITE

Because we continue to outgrow whatever offices we lease, I now share space with the oh-so-fabulous women of D Weddings, who know everything there is to know about getting married in Dallas. But despite their expertise, I don’t think any of them would know how to cover a wedding like this one.