BACK TO THE IDLE RICH?

A loyal FBFemale brings back memories of our first Ladies Day. She suggested that all interested FrontBurnervians show up at the Idle Rich on McKinney and shout, “I’M SINGLE AND I READ FRONTBURNER!”at 6pm. She showed. Here’s her tale:

Hey Nance, remember the first Ladies’ Day when I suggested FBvians shout “I’M SINGLE AND I READ FRONTBURNER!”? Yeah, that worked out great for me. The only dudes who showed up, showed up hours late and went home with some slut other than me. So if Biatch Slapper wants to try again, I’m so in. I’m lookin’ for a serious BF, not an F with benefits type thing. I don’t want some flashy Lexus-driving moron. I just want someone who is nice to me and thinks I’m funny.I’m a frickin’ great catch, but these knuckleheads all seem to want someone shinier. That’s probably a universal thing, not just Big D, but it feels like Dallas is a town of unreasonable expectations.

Ladies, how do you feel about a rally after the holidaze?

RE: DIAPER vs DIAPERS

More than you’ll ever want to know, but here goes.
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AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Last year a big-time restaurateur told another big-time restaurateur that I was a gold digger. (Yea right, that’s why I am sitting in this cube blogging.) Anyway, I decided to look into the art of digging for gold and have had some very interesting conversations with women who have struck it rich. Of course, they don’t see themselves as opportunists, they insist they have high standards and will not settle for less. You’d think men would wary of women who pan for gold, but, in my research, I’ve found that men are actually intrigued by the whole idea. In fact, one fair lady admitted she was on the payroll of four very wealthy (married) men. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be on any married man’s payroll, much less four, but how do these women get these gigs. IJS. Astounding.

THE DOCTOR IS IN

So my friend the FrontBurnervian is not really a doctor, but she’s a total therapy success story, so I believe everything she says. She ought to be a psychiatrist (and I’m sure she’ll accept your money for her advice):

Nancy’s point about communication is key. No relationship will really survive where both people are content if there is no communication—the real, hard, gut-wrenching kind that most of us nice girls are taught to not talk about because we’re just supposed to not let it bother us. But we can’t ignore it when we are dating someone who can’t engage enough to listen to our concerns—even if they seem silly. So we wait until we can’t take it anymore and cry, yell, or throw things at their heads. (I can’t speak for the unstable ladies who resort to the latter.)

To all men out there, actions speak louder than words. You could spend $100 on something that you know your girl is interested in and make her (and yourself) very happy. If she doesn’t appreciate the gesture, you’re either a total jack ass already or she is. Figure it out, cuz life is too short to waste time.

Take that, Dr. Phil.

RE: WIZ vs WHIZ

Well, that is because little Timmy is a whiz kid. And, he thinks he knows everything.

RE: GIFT GIVING

Another male FrontBurnervian chimes in on this very stressful time (and I have copy edited his remarks because he’s my friend and I am sweet):

A guy’s goal in gift-giving is not just to stay out of trouble. All holidays, anniversaries, and special occasions only serve to get guys in the doghouse. For Valentine’s Day, flowers, dinner, and a gift just get you to the break-even point—then you have to go above and beyond for extra credit. But one cannot go too far, because once the bar has been raised and the precendent established, you can’t go down. So with compounding interest, a long, meaningful relationship will accrue a new Lexus coupe in no time.

Just go with the spa day: she gets what she wants, she’ll moan how wonderful you are all day, and you get a free day of golf with the boys.

WIZ V. WHIZ

Nancy, I love that you managed to get “wiz kid” into FB today. But it’s a good thing Timmy the Copy Editing Nazi isn’t allowed to participate, because for sure he would have yelled and reminded you that “whiz kid” does, indeed, have the “h.” However, I’m still not budging on plain old “wiz,” short for wizard, and slang for a “skilled person.”

RE: DIAPER vs DIAPERS

A take:

If you have a one child it’s “change the diaper…now!” If you have twins, like me, it’s “change the diapers…mommy is locking her self in the bathroom for a few hours!”

She didn’t mention Jack Daniels so does that count? I know so little about child rearing.

MO BETTER MO

Modano sighting:

Saw Mike Modano at Nick and Sam’s one Thursday night… looked good enough to be on the menu if you ask me. But, even though I am a “smidge” older than him… he is still a little too “mature” for my taste.

You floozie! I love it. Ladies, we have a real floozie in the audience. Bow down and pay your respects.

RE: GIFT GIVING

A male FrontBurnervian makes an attempt to explain the “guy dilemma”:

Gift giving is a scary thing for a guy. The wrong gift will send the complete wrong message, and we’ll spend the next two months until Valentine’s Day trying to dig ourselves out of the hole. Of course, in the particular case of the FFF (Forlorn Frontburvian Female), 6 months of sleeping together is probably worthy of some level of commitment. Not necessarily a ring, but maybe a “hey, at this point, we’re not just **** buddies and an actual partnership of some sort.” If only there were a perfect gift to say that. Is there a card like that from Hallmark? “Congrats! We’re a couple, not a pair of skeezed out lovemaking monkeys!”

Yes there is a gift out there that perfectly takes care of this situation: it’s called communication. That’s when a boy and a girl talk about how they feel. If there is anxiety about gift giving, then admit it and work it out. Lord, I’m starting to sound like Dr. Phil. ****

RE: OFFSIDE vs OFFSIDES

A male FrontBurnervian who loves, loves, loves Ladies Day sez:

A woman should know this [offside]–but surprisingly my wife doesn’t. It’s “diapers,” right? As in, “Honey, could you please change X’s diapers because I’m in the middle of trying to peel the plastic neck wrapper off this bottle of Jack Daniels?”My wife claims it’s “diaper.” I proffer “pants.” She counters with “underwears.” I counter with, “Some people do, in fact, call them ‘underwears’.” She counters with, “Fine, consider yourself part of that group.” I counter again with “pants.” It’s “diapers,” right?

What do I know about diapers? I’ll let one of the other wiz kids around here figure it out for you. Next?

RE: CHRISTMAS ETIQUETTE

We totally hate your boyfriend. We don’t even know you, really, and already we can tell you deserve better. I second your WTF.

(If the boys in the office would like to retort, you can do so via a girl.)

CHRISTMAS ETIQUETTE

A forlorn FrontBurnervian Female doesn’t know how to feel:

My boyfriend is all in a tither over Christmas. Although we have been dating for almost 6 months and spend almost every night together, he feels that any nice Christmas gift will give me “a false sense of security” and “a set of expectations that he doesn’t want to be responsible for.” WTF? Am I overreacting when I get made at this?

Honey, have you had your self esteem looked at lately? Hello, he’s offside by a mile! Anything, other than a diamond ring, is acceptable and doesn’t carry an automatic expectation of commitment. Honestly, the fact that he wants to sleep with you every night creates, in my mind, some level of commitment expectation. Bag him or don’t shag him. If you pick the later, you’ll get the diamond. Next?

TRISTAN SIMON

I had an inquiry asking about the “Pied Piper’s” status. He is indeed in a serious relationship with the beautiful and talented Christina McLarty. Sorry ladies.

WHAT DO BOYS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

A concerned D Magazine hottie wants to know what men want for Christmas. (Keep it clean, please.) I think specifically she’s looking for ideas about what to get her father-in-law.

Discuss.

REAPING WHAT YOU SOW

The frustrated—and supposedly dead—FrontBurnervian will probably appreciate this post, which actually comes from Wick, who got it from Jeff Swaney, a good friend of FB (who gave me permission to run his name with his comments). Seems Swaney received a note from Deep Ellum landlord Don Blanton, who was upset to find two bullet holes in his garage.
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MY MORNING

Hey ladies. Sorry I have been M.I.A. I was out taping a live segment on Holiday accessories at CBS in Ft.Worth. If you want to take a peek at it, you can watch a video of the segment on KTVT’s website (don’t know that it’s necessarily a good thing for me). Much to my dismay, I did flub on a price of a necklace I brought onto the show (did I mention it’s really nerve-racking doing live TV?). So, I am going to correct myself now by saying the Naomi Designs white topaz and diamond necklace was indeed $250,000, not $250. The lovely hostess, Christina McLarty of UPN/CBS did kindly try to fix the flub…thank you Christina. Also wanted to be sure to thank Elements, Tootsie’s, Gregory’s, Ylang Ylang, and Juicy Couture for supplying me with the goods for the show. I am sure they won’t mind if I keep all of them myself, right? I still have a lot of Christmas shopping left to do. IJS.

SHOP TALK

This just in from the PR folks at Neiman Marcus:

We’re afraid we have some bad news for the FrontBurnerivian nation. The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book sold Sir Elton John and the one and only private concert that he agreed to perform. The $1.5 million paid is a donation to his charity, the Elton John AIDS Foundation. This is a good day for him—he gets hitched and raises a lot of money for his charity.

The Christmas Book also sold many other fantastic gifts this season …
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SUPERSTARS AROUND TOWN

A PR-savvy friend tells me that Troy Aikman and Dallas Police Chief David Kunkle (in uniform, no less) were having lunch at Capital Grille. Separately.

Sorry. I may have over-sold it with that headline.

GIRLS RULE

Listen, FF. The boys out there love us. And if you’re jealous that they love us, then deal with it. A male FrontBurnervian comments:

On behalf of many men in Dallas, thank goodness for Ladies Day on the FB today. Like I wrote to Nancy months back, Ladies Day included some of the most entertaining streams of thought/conversation on the FB since its inception. Even for only a day, it is a great break from the norm.

So, there.

DEAR FRUSTRATED FBVIAN

If you are really dead—and we hope that you are—why are you still typing?

Love,
The Super-hot Girls

P.S. Soon we will tackle the subject of shopping. Particularly shoes.

[SOUND OF CORPSE STABBING ITSELF IN THE EYE AND DYING EVEN HARDER]

RE: THE DATING GAME

Something tells me, sweet Ryan, that you will have no trouble snagging a man if your BF fails tonight at the gift exchange.

Hopefully he reads FrontBurner. If he does, he’ll be returning that blender and trading up for something sparkly.

RE: BIATCH SLAP

First of all, I am forever indebted to that FrontBurnervian—and I know who you are, sweet thing—for calling me “very pretty.” (God, I’m easy.) But I would like to qualify some of what Nancy has been saying about my scraping the bottom of the barrel. True, I’ve had some lousy dates. And, yes, I have a few ex-boyfriends I’m not proud of. But they aren’t all terrible. Take, for instance, the very sweet gentleman who bought my drinks last night at the Wine Therapist. I wouldn’t call that barrel scraping at all. I had a wonderful time. So A+ for the man who recently scored five bottles of Hitchin’ Post Pinot.

So, sweet FrontBurnervian who worries about the lonely ladies of D Magazine, fret not. Nancy, Ryan, Stephanie, and Laura have studs who keep them warm most nights. And me? Well, getting the dates is not the problem. It’s liking the dates that’s the challenge. But I’m up for it.

THE DATING GAME

Nancy, don’t count me out when you open your Dallas Dating Service. I may be dating someone now, but you never know what can happen after the holidays. Once you you’ve made it past Halloween, you’re pretty much guaranteed until January 3. Or maybe even February 16. And don’t even get me started on the Christmas present exchange debacle. I find out tonight what I’m getting. And with that, I’ll find out what kind of commitment I’m in.